I Have Been De-Ported

It's been 2 weeks now - but Thanksgiving was in that time frame, so I haven't been able to sit down and focus on this post.
On Tuesday the 22nd I went into Dr. Moline's office and had my port removed. It was an office procedure. The worst of it was all the numbing pokes I had to have. It seemed like a dozen, but it may have been only 10.... She numbed the area around the port, then started snipping away to get down to it. As she explained, the port is a foreign body, so my body built up tissue around it. That's what she had to get through. I originally had a small incision at my throat - going into the jugular - when the tubing was placed in it. She didn't have to do that - just pulled the whole thing out through the incision at my collarbone. She then held her finger to my neck while the jugular repaired itself. She explained that this whole time it's been trying to do that again with that foreign object there and a hole in my vein. Then she stitched me up and I was ready to go.

The port itself is about 1 1/2 inches (or less) big and the tubing is about 6-8 inches long? If you look closely you can see 3 bumps on the silicone bump. The nurses would find those 3 bumps and then poke right in the middle of them. Then the tubing went from my collar bone into my jugular. The IV drip would go directly into that. So there was no need to have an IV hook-up every 3 weeks for the last year. Also, there was no chance that the chemo would come in contact with my skin at all. She said that the silicone material could withstand up to 200,000 pokes and the bottom of it was nearly indestructible so there was no way it could have broken down or deteriorated.

I really didn't have any side effects or anything. I had to keep a small weight on the incision to prevent any fluid build-up in the space where the port had been. I did that for the rest of the evening and a little the next morning. Being that it was Thanksgiving, I really didn't sit down much on Wednesday. But I was not over doing anything. I was a little tired on Tuesday. I think mostly it was because I didn't prepare myself much and only had a breakfast then went into this appointment at 3:00 somewhat hungry. It was just before 4 when we left and we went to meet the rest of the family for dinner at Azteca. My parents had arrived for the long weekend and so that was really nice to have them around. My mother went with me to the appointment and sat in the waiting room watching (not listening to) Bonanza! What fun for her.

I am happy all this is over. I do have follow up appointments - in fact I have one on Wednesday. And I have to have regular vision checks and bone scans - probably once a year due to any side effects from the medicine I am taking. I feel really good! I pretty much have all my original stamina back - that's not saying much. I do have limitations on my right arm. It feels like there is a heavy weight around my shoulder everytime I lift it up. I'm not too strong, either, but then I haven't done much of any out of the ordinary lifting for over a year. I am slowly getting that back. I have to be careful to not overdo anything like that so I don't have any fluid build up - edema. That is my one big concern now. I feel like all my scars are healed well and all else is going great! I don't think I have any swelling, but there is still some numbness and that tingly feeling is just a pain and that is what makes anything feel like it is bigger than it really is.

Breast Cancer Awareness....Year

So the title was supposed to say BCA Month Year, but it wouldn't let me do the strike-through on the title. Oh, well.

Phew, this last month and a half have gone by so quickly. I have wanted to sit down and write something of all my One Year markers, and here I am about to say, "One year ago today was my 3rd treatment"!!!! Actually, looking at the calendar, I guess today is that day! half way down was one year ago. Well, now I am actually all done with treatment. One would call me a survivor at this point. But I remember visiting with Dr. Moline at the beginning and she said "Once you came through those doors the first time, you are considered a survivor". I liked that. I actually passed that on to a teacher at N's school who was just about ready to go through her last chemo session.

A couple weeks ago, I had my last chemo (Herceptin) and I just scheduled to have the port removed. They didn't have an opening until the end of November, so I have to go in once to have my port flushed (that has to happen every 6 weeks if it isn't used). I am feeling really good. Unfortunately today, I am home from church with a bad cough - in hopes it doesn't get worse than it is.

Last week I was in SLC with Tori who had a breast lump removed. Last year, she had a biopsy that showed it was benign, but it has grown quickly, so she had it removed. The path report was all good - it was benign and they got all clear margins. I went down there to help her, but mostly to play with baby G - who is now 8 months old! I had a fun time being Grandma - I hope to be able to do that lots and lots! He is so fun. He is doing the army crawl, and while I was there got up on his hands and knees and rocked back and forth, but then plumped on his tummy to crawl around. He is a really happy, laughing, smiley baby! I was also able to go to the Temple with Carter and we went out a couple times for lunch and dinner. It was really nice weather there and the only thing I wish we had taken the time to do was to go up in the canyons to see the fall colors. Both Carter and Tori suggested I go to a certain bakery - Les Madeleines - and get a Kouign amann (pronounced kween-ya-mahn). OH MY!!! I am hooked. It is really flakey, and probably too sweet, but it is just the right combination that makes it a heavenly treat. I am tempted to try to find a bakery around here that makes them, but I might just eat far too many of them if I do. I'll just have to make it a place to go when visiting the kiddos. (just googled it, and no, it doesn't look like they sell them around here..., but Trader Joe's has a frozen one that I'll have to try and some Seattle area bakeries make them!) - OK, I keep checking out new stuff on this yummy thing, and I may have found a recipe!! YIPEE.- can you say "obsessed"?

I got home Tuesday evening and Jeff's sister Valerie was here to visit. I forgot to mention that Jeff's mom has been here since the beginning of September. We have been having a nice visit, but I have been so busy in September that I feel I haven't been able to really get into a schedule and get things done. And I've been gone for hours almost every day. So much for setting a good home-schooling schedule. Once I got home last week, I see that I have a much lighter schedule. Valerie took Mom shopping on Wednesday - the same day that Amanda is at school - and I had the whole house to myself, which I haven't had since June! I got a lot of stuff done including some cleaning out of the garden. Thursday I woke up a little achy. I thought maybe it was from digging and pulling too much in the garden along with the bone strengthening medicine I take sometimes makes me achy one day out of the week. Well, I also had a sore throat on Friday, not so much the achy body, though. We stayed home and enjoyed visiting and watching the windy/stormy weather. Saturday was pretty much the same, but this morning, I have a cough that isn't too bad, but I hope it doesn't get worse. One thing that is very interesting, is that I have not had any kind of sickness through this whole last year. This is the first time that I have anything resembling an illness. That was definitely a blessing.

I am so looking forward to the holidays which, the anticipation starts now and builds until after the new year! We went to the pumpkin patch in SL - Tori scheduled that for that Saturday so I could go with G for the first time. He, of course, didn't get all excited, but it was especially fun being there with them. We never did get around to painting the pumpkins before I left.

Well, I don't have much more to write about my health. I do have a lot on my mind about other things, but that is for a more personal thing like a journal, I think. There are so many things out there on the internet that I have an opinion about, but I am not one to put myself out there to be criticized in that way. Maybe I should as all the negative things I hear about and read should be balanced with a more positive perspective. I am especially turned off with the upcoming presidential election. This campaign just makes me sick. All the posts about "this will make your jaw drop" "BOOM" "Bombshell" - goodness, enough already. We [should be] are intelligent human beings. But I wonder these days. Are people really swayed one way or another because of negative, harmful things being said about one person or another? I guess so or they wouldn't do it. I am not just speaking of political things here, now. And maybe my earlier sentence about us being intelligent isn't so true any more. If society relies on the media and one post or another to form their opinions and make decisions, then we are just a bunch of mindless robots being led hither and yon.
I am so grateful to know that there is truly a God, but more than that. That He is a Heavenly Father - a loving being who truly cares about us. That there is more than just this life that we live. That we can learn and grow and progress - from the life before, through this life on earth and in the Eternal life to come. I know there is opposition and heartache and pain here on earth. I know every single person struggles with temptation, illness, disappointment and/or difficulties. That is the whole purpose of life. We have someone to turn to who can and will help us navigate through all those. He loves us. His Son loves us. They want us to grow, stretch and progress. That is why all these things happen. It isn't because He doesn't care or doesn't love. It is because He loves perfectly. How else can we know without experiencing.

I was reading Ephesians 4:11-15 (and on to the end of the chapter) yesterday and that scripture had more meaning to me. "And He gave some apostles, and some prophets [etc.]......that we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;"
Boy! isn't that true. It is so easy to be swept up in the emotions and moods of people. Especially since it is so easily obtainable at our fingertips. From all this hype with the election, to opinions people have on any topic under the sun, down to reviews for a product you wish to purchase. There are so many varying "winds of doctrine" who use "cunning craftiness" to get our attention and our 'following'.

 But we have a way to navigate this. I love that the true gospel isn't a big hype. The world is so noisy and doing everything loudly and seductively to get our attention. But there is one way -a perfect way - that Heavenly Father has set up that we can know!
"...that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." (Moroni 10:4-5)
It is between you and Heavenly Father, in the name of Christ with the manifesting of the Holy Ghost. No middle man - not relying on some person's opinion or human perspective. Just between you and the Godhead! How more perfect can you get?

Well, I'm glad I got that put on paper. I guess I did 'put that out there'. I can see how my cancer experience has helped focus my perspective in ways that otherwise wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't give up what I now understand better and what I have learned this past year. If this experience is what made it possible for me to know, feel and understand how and what I do now, it has all been worth it. I just hope I can keep going - Onward and Upward!

A Year Ago.....

It has been a while since I posted. This is another shortened-because-I'm-writing-on-my-iPad type post. I have been going through a lot of "a year ago" memories, actually since the first of 2016.
A year ago: we moved here; I found a lump; I got called as RS president; I had my mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy; I found out I had cancer; I had my port surgery; and just a week ago was my year mark on my first chemo therapy. Soon it will be losing my hair, last chemo, surgery, etc, etc. (One more etc to quote Yul Brynner.)
I have one more chemo infusion. I had the last full-blown chemo on December 30, but one of the 4 drugs, Herceptin, has to go for a full year. My last one is scheduled for September 21st. Herceptin doesn't have any drastic side effects, so it is not hard to keep taking that one. But I will still celebrate!!!!! For sure!!!!!
The summer was full of fun activities and lots of relaxing. A had YW camp the end of June. The Gilbert's came for the 4th of July as well as my parents. That was fun to be feeling well enough to go so stuff with them. Speaking of stuff, we seemed to eat one meal just to plan the next. Our first meal was brunch at Frank's Diner and I don't think I was hungry the rest of the weekend. Of course I ate, but probably over did it. The end of July, A, N and I went to Snoqualmie for another YW camp. N and I spent time with friends and she also took a couple of art classes. Then the 3 of us went home over Stevens Pass and stayed 3 days in Leavenworth. They have a summer theater there and we saw "The Sound Of Music" and " Beauty and the Beast". I think we might make that a tradition. It was really fun. We went to Grand Coulee Dam on the way home a drove highway 2 all the way which I have never done. The rest of the summer was just relaxing, we did Silverwood one day and got ready for school. We also grew a pretty good garden this year. Maybe I'll think to post some pictures of that. I have been feeling better and better since radiation ended in April. For awhile there, every day I would wake up feeling better than the day before. And people would comment "wow! You're looking so much better". I take that to also mean "wow, you sure looked haggard there for awhile". 🤔  I really feel pretty much like I did before all this started. Sometimes I get tired, but that was a normal occurrence before. My sleep cycle seems to be similar. Some nights I sleep all night and some I wake several times a night. I am on a chemo pill that I take daily for 5 years -Tamoxifen.  It is anti-estrogen, so one side effect is hot flashes. Those hit hard some days and not so bad others. It can also have a negative effect on my bones, so I have to take a bone strengthening pill weekly. That is ok, but does make me achy sometimes.

I have been walking some, and with school starting, I ride my bike to the school to take and pick up N. I come home winded, but even after a week am feeling like it's getting easier. For school, N is in 2nd grade and A is 7th, but we are home schooling A. So far so good (all of 4 days). Jeff's mother is here to visit for a while. It is sure good to see her and spend some time with her. Our niece Brenna and her family are in town for Tom's clinical this fall, so we get to spend some time with them and their cute little baby O. Tori just scheduled a surgery the first part of October, so I am planning on going there for a few days to help her (but mostly to play with baby G 😀) Well, my page has come to an end, so I guess I am done writing. I could keep going, I just won't be able to read it.

I Can Do All Things Through Christ

If there is one thing I have learned through my whole life is that this is a true statement. It has been confirmed to me through this cancer journey that with the help of Christ, I can accomplish all things - hard things.

This last Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting at church. Once a month we fast for 24 hours and give the money we would have used for those meals to give to the welfare funds of the Church. On that Sunday, our meeting includes people getting up to bear testimony to the congregation rather than being assigned ahead of time to prepare a talk. (which I did the previous week).

Anyway, this last Sunday was this meeting and Jeff got up and spoke about how it was a year ago that we found out about my cancer. (has it only been a year?) What he said reminded me of the tough times I had gone through. He also said that at some points, I was ready to give up. I do remember that. I remember saying that I was done - I just wanted to give up and not keep going. But I was able to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ and find strength to keep going.
What if I had given up? I could have just said "this is enough!" and stopped treatment. Heading into the 2nd-6th treatments, I knew what was coming. But I also knew that there was hope and healing at the end of the sickness time. I just had to hang on. I pondered a lot on the saying "Enduring to the End". There are lots of definitions out there what Enduring means - how just hanging on doesn't cut it. But I have learned that sometimes that is all you can do. Sometimes you only have enough in you to just wait. Waiting isn't bad. Actually it is a good thing sometimes. It is in those waiting moments that one can really focus on getting strength. Building it up to be able to then have the strength to get over that hurdle. That doesn't mean that the end comes just by waiting. Waiting is part of it and can give you the strength to then proceed and work toward the end.

The end of this scripture in Phillippians 4:13 is soo, so true "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." When the really hard things come - or just the little hard things - it is Christ who gives us the strength to get through. I can now look back at this cancer journey - but it holds true with ALL aspects of life - that in the deepest (hardest, toughest) times, I was able to get strength from my Savior, and then when I was strong, I could keep going.

I look back on my life and can see how this has held so true. I could have given up many times over the past 51 years. There were times on my mission when I was done, but I wasn't finished. I kept going and was able to finish, and finish well. If I had given up at the toughest times, I would have come home and then wondered if I really could have finished differently. There have been other times in my married, parenting, & church life when I was done. When I was ready to just stop and not go on. One time, I actually did give up. I had worked really hard preparing for a test to pass off Swedish - the 4 years required by BYU - to get all 16 credits with a language test. But when the grades came out, they weren't what I wanted or expected to get. I gave up. At the time, I was sure that I would go back the following semester and retake the test. I didn't purchase the credits and here I am 30 years later and I don't have that on my transcript. That one decision to not purchase those credits has led to me not finishing my degree. I know I can do something else to get the degree, but because of that I have put off doing it.I should have realized what I now know: that getting through would bring a higher reward,

But in most of my life I have kept going. I am so grateful to have this perspective from this side of my cancer journey. I made it through. I can do all things through Christ. He is my strength and support. I have a greater understanding of what life really means. Just as I do with other hard things I have endured. I understand that I am strong and those aspects of my life where I have gone through hard things, I am stronger because I held on, worked hard, and sometimes just waited until the pain was lessened so I was able to move onward and upward.

Nearing the End of the Tunnel

Everyone has been commenting and complimenting me on how well I look. Last week, Jeff and I took a long weekend trip to McCall, ID. It was a nice get away. Jeff got the trip through work for being a top salesman last year! We haven't had a "just the two of us" trip in 15 years! It'll definitely be less than 15 years until the next one. One of the gals came up to me (there were about 14 people there with the company) and complimented me on my "cute Pixie cut". "You wear it well." I thanked her and said how it was growing in nicely. She looked surprised that I would have had it even shorter than it is now. I then explained about cancer and chemo. So, I guess it is not so obvious to outsiders any more that I am a cancer patient. Since then, I have had several people tell me how nice my hair looks and that I pull of the short hair really well. That's nice - but I am not going to keep it this short, that's for sure. For one thing, I am getting to the point that it is just long enough to get some funny sticky-outies. And I'm getting hat hair when I wear a hat, which is often as I still need the extra warmth or protection from the sun. So I am for sure going to be growing it out longer than it is now. I am not sure if I'll go for the same length I had a year ago. Of course when it grows 1/2 inch a month, it'll be a long time until it gets that long again. In fact I figured that it will be at least October before I have measurable bangs. I do like the ease of care it offers. I just lather up my head with my face soap still. Maybe that is why my hair is so soft.

It has been a while since I have posted anything. There really hasn't been much going on differently in my life lately. I am feeling really good. I don't think that I really had much adverse reactions to radiation. I didn't ever get extremely tired. Aside from the bad burns on my skin which went away rather quickly, I weathered that pretty well.As I said, everyone has been telling me how well I look - that my color is great and such. I guess maybe I looked awful those months before. But I am feeling well, my brain is functioning normally, etc. That isn't to say it's tip-top, I still have forgetfulness problems, but no more than a year ago. I just looked at my medical notes and I had my first (first for this whole procedure, not first ever - but I guess it was also the last..) mammogram on June 30th last year. So it hasn't quite been one year since this whole journey started. I had the biopsy done on the 6th of July and results would have been just a few days later. Phew! What a ride this last 11 months has been. I look back on it thankful that it is over and hoping never to have to do that again. At the same time, I see what I have learned about myself and others and glad for that. I wouldn't have learned what I have in any other way. I am not saying that I would want to do any of this over again, but it sure is a lot better looking back than a year ago looking toward the unknown.

I am sitting here trying to come up with something profound to say. I don't know if I can put into words all the things that go through my head. There are so many horrible things going on in the world these days, and at the same time, there is so much good happening. Unfortunately, most people tend to look at and focus on the horrible things. I read a blog today about how we can point fingers and blame this horrible thing on that situation, or whatever. But what it all boils down to is misunderstanding and hate. Love is the only thing that can overcome the evil in the world. Just as Christ said "MY peace I leave with you". There is no way to legislate or vote in something that will make wrongs go away. The only way over all evil and wrong in the world is through love. Christ's Love is the only way. Love can't be forced or made into law. It has to be taught. When we teach that and we all live that way, then there is no room for hate. Just as light dispels the darkness, so does love dispel and overcome hate and evil. It is so simple! In fact, so simple that too many people will brush it off as being not enough. But it is just that - simple, basic truth that will make it all work out in the end. If anything, I have learned that I need to make my life more simple and not run here and there looking for happiness and peace.That I have all I need right here, in my family and in my faith. That loving others will bring me peace.

May The Fourth Be With You

Way back in the day - about when one of the original Star Wars movies came out - maybe The Empire Strikes Back - I happened to hear this saying on the radio. I thought it was so clever and couldn't believe that nobody else was saying it to each other since SW was so big. I remembered it and it has been a race between me and my nephew Caleb to see who can wish the other one "May the Fourth" first. Fourteen years ago, my nephew Keegan was baptized on the 4th of May. I was asked to give a talk at it, and I chose to do a talk on the Holy Ghost. The first thing I said as I stood up was this line and I had every one's attention. I likened the Force to the Holy Ghost and that we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ really do have the Force with us and we can have it with us all the time if we remain worthy of it - "It" being the Gift of the Holy Ghost. Anyway, that is the story for our family behind this special day of the year!

This year, it has significance to me. Yesterday was the last day of radiation! So May the Force be with ME!

             As you can see, I am not very good at selfies. My front camera is broken, so I have to do a blind capture. Of course, the nurse didn't do much better with not getting a blurry picture, but at least she got the whole me in it. Behind me, you can see a big door. That is the door into the radiation room. It is about 8 inches thick and made of metal and other containment materials Above it (the fuzzy light in my selfie) is a sign that says "In Use" - meaning, don't come in as it is hazardous. There is even a hazard sign on the door. And that is where I am when all those hazardous rays are being released - directed right at me. Not any more!!!! I am so happy to be done with this! My skin has been healing a bit this last week. Saturday and Sunday were probably the worst for the red area behind my arm. It didn't ever get weepy or goopy. But it did get raw and close to blistery looking. This silvadine cream and vaseline gauze has been very soothing and helpful. It is a pain wearing a big pad over it to protect my clothes and keep it from drying out. The nurse made a tank top type thing out of gauzy material. I probably have to wear all this for another week at the most. The red area was about 5"x6". The edges are healing, so the worst part is now about 3x4 now. Every once in a while, I'll get a prickly feeling, like it is being scratched with sandpaper. And the redness around my sternum is getting really itchy. It is drying out a bit and I'm having a hard time not peeling it or scratching it all away. I have to put some kind of material (clothing or something) over it and just tap it to relieve the itch. At this point the best lotion has been Calendula. I still put the Emu Oil on it at night and sometimes Aloe Vera. I try the hydro-corisone, but Calendula takes away most of the itch and soothes at the same time.

I have started a hiking group to try out different places to go hiking around here. We went two weeks ago to Bowl and Pitcher and had a nice hike. I planned on going to Manito Gardens last Friday, but it rained and there were only 3 of us going - all 3 of us decided we didn't want to freeze (it was about 58*) and get wet. So I planned the same hike for today. N woke up sick and so I had to back out. That ended up cancelling it as the others decided not to go either. One of these days we'll get there. N has been watching Scooby-doo all day. I'm a little bit tired of "Rooby-rooby-roo". But it is helping her take her mind off throwing up.

Another thing I did was ride bikes with A to school today. Finally I don't have my early radiation appointment. I was having to leave the same time as A&N, so I couldn't walk or ride with them to school. I did pretty well. It's only a half mile there, but the way back is just the slightest incline, so I have to work a little harder coming home. I was a little out of breath, but I could have kept going. I had to gear down a little, but I did better than the last time I rode which was after my 3rd chemo treatment in October.

The weather has been perfect spring weather. Cool nights and 70's - 80's. The strawberry plants are thriving. This weekend is supposed to be really nice, so we are going to get a little bit more dirt for our tomato box and go get some plants and seeds this weekend. I have some lettuce growing that came up from what was left in the garden last year. The girls are excited to get some pumpkins and watermelon again. I am going to try cucumber if I can find an english cucumber plant (I got one last year, but it froze and I couldn't find another one). Also peppers and jalepenos again. The carrots were pretty much a waste, but I may try that again. (I didn't thin them, so they grew really weird). But the lettuce was really great and this year I'll plant a few seeds every couple weeks so we can eat it all summer rather than have it all grow at one time.

I guess that is all. I still have to go in every 3 weeks for my herceptin infusion. That will go on through August. I only have 6 more of those to do! Wow, I didn't realize it was that few left. I am going to go get fit for prothetics next week. It doesn't bother me much - I thought it would. But I am going to be happy to have a girlish figure back. Last Sunday I was putting a dress on and wondered why it was all baggy in front and tried to get it to straighten out until I figured out that I was needing to fill it out instead. I've been wearing lots of jackets and scarves. It's getting a little warm for that. On that note - I know I mentioned it before, but since I was diagnosed with cancer - and all that comes with it. I couldn't have asked for better timing for everything. I had my first chemo infusion the week before school started. I missed out on a couple of things like the primary program and some school events that fell in the few days after treatment. But I lost my hair just as the weather was getting cooler. So I wore hats all winter long. My grandson came with perfect timing the week before surgery. I have to wear this compression sleeve for up to a couple months after radiation ends, which puts it right about the time school gets out and the weather stays hot consistently. It is bothersome on the few mid-80 days we've had so far, but by the time it stays that warm, I won't have to wear it all the time. I will be healed up and everything by the time Jeff and I go on a get-away at the beginning of June. He qualified for a trip to a resort in McCall, ID for being a top salesman. Originally it was supposed to be Tahoe and in May, but it got changed. I don't think I would have been healed enough to really enjoy it all if it were to be even a week earlier. I will be tip-top shape (or should be) by the time school gets out. Or at least I will be able to get myself into tip-top shape by then. I keep having these thoughts about ladies who fight cancer and then go on to run marathons or something. I don't think I am that crazy - or I should say, I don't think that is in me - at least it doesn't interest me in the least. I do however want to get into better shape and do (casual) bike riding and hiking. So that is my goal. To get stronger and [heart] healthy-fit.
So with that in mind - May the Fourth Be with You and Me. I am counting on it. It has been with me for the last 9 months and I have gained strength because of it and it has carried me through the times that I haven't had any or very little strength. And it has made me stronger!

Red Rover, Red Rover, I am Red All Over

OK, so I am not red all over, but I couldn't come up with any other catch phrase with Red in it. The photo below does not do justice to how red my back and underarm area is. Jeff took the picture yesterday and it is way more red today. It is almost purple. The spot on the top is the most red and then a swath under my arm is about the same color. The rest of my back/side is the lighter color and my chest is covered with splotchy dark red spots (like a rash) that may come together to make the whole area look like a newly painted stop sign. It hurts! and is really itchy. I know that the peak of the redness/burn will come about a week or two after the radiation actually ends, so that means I have about 3 weeks left until I can start feeling relief from all this. It isn't so bad, but that area is also swollen and the skin and underlying muscle are tight from the burn and weren't all the way stretched back to normal from after surgery. (I was not so good about remembering to do my stretches) OK, so it is bad - it is uncomfortable with a seat belt across it, I'm starting to feel it hurt when I lie on my back and even just reaching for something can make the whole area be noticeably painful. Not cry out in pain (we're actually having an issue on this very thing with N - trying to teach her to suck it up and not need consoling for every little scratch) - back to what I was saying, not-cry-out-in-pain, pain; but suck-in-your-breath-sometimes-pain.  And the itch can be distracting. I try to gently rub my clothing, just moving it enough to give some kind of relief from the itch. The hydro-cortisone cream helps with that. And I am putting on lotions, aloe and emu oil frequently to help with the burning. I don't know if it is helping to actually cut down on the severity of the burns or just giving temporary relief to the area??? I don't want to find out by cutting down on it all. As I say, just about a month from now, I should be seeing noticeable difference and recovery from all of this! 

 My energy level is pretty much back to what it was before all this started. Sometimes during the day I hit a wall and need a power nap - and sometimes the power nap turns into a couple hours, but that was normal a year ago. I noticed that my sleep patterns are really similar. For a few days out of the month, I wake several times during the night. Some nights I am awake for a couple hours. And some nights (like last night!!!!) I actually sleep all night without waking or having to get up. I am awakened now with hot flashes, but except for the couple nights where I wake up 5 times - every 45 minutes - and can't go back to sleep for half an hour, it is all manageable. I guess there are some medications (surprise! NOT), to help with hot flashes, but they are anti-depressants and I don't want to add something that I don't have to. The Tamoxafin is enough on it's own. Dr. Sri did say that I most likely will adjust to the drug and level off somewhat so the side effects won't be so drastic. 

I went in for a temple recommend interview the other night and President Martin - the counselor in the Stake Presidency - who interviewed me is an Oncology Pharmacist. He knew all about the drugs that I had and was able to tell me a little about the advances that have been made very recently. Having the HER2 positive used to be a really bad, bad thing and survival from that type of breast cancer was very low. Well, with Herceptin (which I read has only been in use for the last year or so), being HER2+ is actually a very easy and straightforward treatment now. Herceptin is a type of miracle drug for that and they pair it with Perjeta which was the only option before and it raises the survival rate way higher! 

Not much other news from the family. We are enjoying the nice spring that is happening right now. Last week most days were actually near or above 80* and this week just around 70. Spokane doesn't have lots of dreary misty, rainy days. When it rains, it rains, then moves on to partly sunny or all sunny. Having grown up in Western WA, and being one of very few people who really like that weather there, it is hard to adjust to mostly sunny days. I like a big storm and rain for a few days in a row. I still feel that when the sun comes out I need to be outside soaking it up because it won't stay for very long. But I'm getting used to it. I'm looking for some fun hiking spots close by. I have started a hiking group with anyone who wants to join me. I would like to finally hike Mt. Si and Rattlesnake Ridge this summer when I am visiting my mom and dad. There, I wrote it down, it's a goal! All those years we lived in Snoqualmie, and I've never climbed those two popular hikes. I have done Little Si, but never all the way up to the top of Mt. Si. So I am doing hikes around here to bring my body up to a good fitness level to do this. That's about it! 

OH, tomorrow will be the last of 5 weeks of radiation. Dr. Call said that the last week, they focus the rays directly on the surgery scar, so it won't be blasting the whole area like they have for the last 5 weeks. That is a relief! 

Old Habits Die Hard

When I got Lasik surgery 8 years ago I was so happy to be done with glasses. But the habit of pushing up glasses or carefully reaching under the glasses to rub my eyes took a long time to go away. In fact, I still sometimes do that when rubbing my eyes - slide my finger up as if under the glasses to take care of that itch. Yesterday when I was drying off after my shower I reached my hands up and did the motion to wring water from my hair (like pulling hair into a ponytail). I actually wondered for a split second why there was no hair in my hands.
Speaking of hair, mine has been growing back since the end of January! It's maybe an inch and a half long. It doesn't look like it will be curly.  It seems to be just straight as can be - at least that is what it looks like around my ears. The top has a little lift to it, but I think it's because it is so short. It is dark with some grey strands mixed in. Not enough to make it look greying, but Jeff says there is some grey. On Friday when I left radiation, I passed a gal who was just going in to that office. She was completely bald and not wearing anything on her head. I thought - well, I guess my hair is long enough - if she can go shiny head, I can go with a little fuzz. I contemplated going hatless on Sunday, but didn't. But Monday came and since then I have gone to all my appointments and errands without a hat. I keep one in my car just in case it is cold. I do need something for when I go out in the sun so I don't get sunburned, but for now, I am good without. I went to church last night for a meeting and it was activity night. So a lot of people have now seen me without any adornment. I think I am ready to do this. Besides, when I do wear a hat and then have to take it off because it is too hot or I am at home, I have funky looking hat-hair.
I shaved my hair off on September 16th. It has been 7 months since then and 3 1/2 since my last chemo treatment. Looking back I would say that it wasn't so bad. At times it was actually nice to have no hair to worry about. When I was so sick and went a day or two without showering, I didn't have greasy hair. It wasn't there to get in the way and I didn't have to think about getting it cut or styling it. It was especially nice after surgery when I couldn't do much with my right arm. I didn't have to struggle drying it or anything. I would have liked to not deal with a cold head - especially at night. But the little lap blanket that Heather M. made for me was perfect to keep just above my pillow at night so I could tuck it around my head when I got cold and just push it off when I didn't need it. It was one of the side-effects that I was most dreading, but really it was easy to get used to. It is also some kind of a statement without having to say - "I have Cancer" - people understand a little why you might looked haggard or might need a little more help or patience or why you are having to say NO to requests, etc.
I am 1/2 done with radiation! Starting to get itchy and my underarm is the most red at this point. Still feeling great and getting lots done around the house. I haven't been able to deep clean since August, so I am doing a little bit of that every day. I know a lot of people would tell me "don't worry about that!" or "don't over do anything". I am not over doing - just doing a little bit each day. I don't have a goal to turn the house inside out in a weeks time. I am doing only what I can. Also, I like to clean - well, I kind of like to clean, but I do like a clean house, so again, I am doing a little bit on the days I don't have other obligations. I am also purging stuff. I keep trying to downsize and simplify, so that is partly what I am doing. Although looking at all the junk we have, one wouldn't know that is what I am doing. I look at our neighbor's garages when they are left open and wonder how it is they don't have anything in them. There is a nice storage room downstairs in each place, but we have all our food storage and luggage down there. Plus all the walls in the garage have shelving which we have filled. I do have to say that we use what we have, but I have also kept a lot of things over the years - that is what I am purging out. It is something that I like to do, so it is fulfilling to me to get that done!

I just was going through old posts and saw another one with this same title. The first paragraph is almost verbatim with this one - funny! But I'm not going to change it.

The Lone Lash

It is really hard to take a selfie with an iPad. Then, iPads don't do macro shots. So this photo is really blurry, but it tells the story anyway. It is cropped to not show the eyeball. That is for my mother and son's benefit. But I needed to document this.
 If you look hard enough, you can see the one eyelash sticking up longer than the others. My eyelashes did end up falling mostly out, but this one held on through thick and thin. I was finally able to put mascara on this last weekend and this one lash sticks out even more with the added mascara.

I was just going over all my posts and realized this picture never got in there. For some reason, I can't insert a photo from my ipad photo gallery. So I took the picture and never sent it to myself so I could put it in on the computer.  My lashes are slowly getting longer, but that one lash is still longer and hanging in there!

What is Radiation?

I am 43% done with radiation!! I keep getting asked what happens with radiation. I go in every day and it takes about 10 minutes from start to finish. In fact, with a 9 minute drive, today it took me 32 minutes from leaving my house until I got home. I go into the office and change into a lovely hospital robe. They have me then lie down on this table...



They described it as large Kitchen Aid. I had never really looked at it before taking the picture. I just went in and got on the table. You can see the blue "pillow" there. (misleading description as it isn't soft in the least) That is where I put my head and reach up to grab hold of the two white posts above it. The pillow is specifically designed for me so I am in the same position every time. It is not a pillow, but a form of some sort. When they made it, they just pumped up something with air to form around me. I guess they used that as a mold, or maybe it was soft material that they pumped up that hardened when they were through. Anyway, the table then gets raised up and back under that large round thing. That is where the radiation (think x-ray) comes out. That moves around me, so it is pointing at different angles. The radiation part is about 2 seconds long - they do about 3 or 4 angles. In that big round thing, there are teeth that move open or shut to direct the rays exactly where they need to be. When all the teeth are open, it is about 10" square. When it is radiating, the openings are about 1-2 inches or smaller. Hard to explain, but that is the best way I can think to explain it. This other picture is of the ceiling. In the CT room, it is of a waterfall in a rain forest. Kind of nice they think of the patient lying there with nothing to look at.

I am starting to feel the effects of the radiation. I have a definite darker "tan" line on my chest. It goes from the mid-line (sternum) and across the bottom of the rib cage. My armpit is getting red also. It also goes up over my shoulder just about where I can reach with my opposite hand and around my side to where I can reach. That quadrant will always be darker than the rest of my skin and will be sensitive to the sun. I need to make sure to always have sunscreen on anything exposed. It is also getting to be more sensitive. I wouldn't say it hurts yet, but for sure it is sensitive on the verge of being itchy (think sunburn). The itchy will get worse and annoying. There could possibly be blisters at it's very worst. I am using aloe and creams to keep the skin moist and soothed. I also switched to a very mild shower soap.

Other than that, I am feeling really good. I went out and did some weeding for about 20 minutes (I had to set the timer or I would just stay out there for far too long). I also sprayed some weed killer for about 2 hours. We have this large yard and along both fence lines is a huge space of nothing but weeds. If it were mine, I'd either plant grass all the way to the fence or build some of it up for planting. We have some "raised beds" - we just nailed together some scrap wood that was left here to make some 6 foot square gardens. There are 3 of them and then another deeper one for tomatoes. Last year, the girls each took one and I had one and we had fun deciding what to plant. N grew a huge sunflower and A got the largest pumpkin. We planted marigolds around the border and since I wasn't up to cleaning it all out in the fall, the marigolds all went to seed and there a thousands of seed in and around each garden bed. We'll have to be diligent about pulling those this spring. They made a nice border, but I thought they'd be about 8 inches tall. They got to be about 2 feet tall and made it hard to get into the rest of the garden. Nova already has a strawberry blossom on one of her plants.

  

It has been really nice weather this past week, which has been our Spring Break. We took a drive out to Kettle Falls, only to find out that the Falls are under a lot of water due to the Grand Coulee Dam which was built back in 1942. I guess no one thought to change the name of the town to signify that there are no longer any falls there. It was a cute town, but it was a long drive and the girls were bored. We did get out and explore an old mission area. The building has been re-built and there was an old cemetery and a large boulder that was used as a sharpening stone by the Natives to sharpen their fishing tools. It is made of amphibolite which is more fine-grained than the local bedrock. All this overlooks Lake Roosevelt which is the lake that now covers the original Kettle Falls. We did go down a side road and were able to view Myers Falls which is part of another river that feeds into the Columbia.

Since I have had radiation every morning, we didn't plan any other trips. It has been such nice weather that the girls have just been playing with neighbors and outside a lot. They even slept in the tent last night. Since last year's backyard sleeping lasted a whole 15 minutes, I gave them about 20 before coming in. No, they lasted all night. We slept with our window open which put us actually closer to them in the tent than when they are in their own beds. They woke up a little cold and got damp from all the dew this morning. It has been a quiet, but good week.

One down, 29 To Go

It has finally started. I am nearly 7 weeks post-op and so today was my first radiation day.

To re-cap, I have been healing really well this last month and have most of my function and range of motion back for my right arm. My left arm has not had very many problems with healing and I got my range of motion back really quickly with that. I had my physical therapy appointment on the 11th and that went well. I don't have to go back unless I find that I am having problems or getting any kind of swelling. She sent me with instructions on how to massage to clear out my lymph system and stretching exercises. I also have to do some massaging on the scars to break down any scar tissue. I have to do the massaging once a day and the stretches 3-4 times a day. I haven't been very good at the stretching, doing maybe one time a day. I don't feel very many limitations, mostly when I go to hang up something and I can't quite reach without it being uncomfortable. I need to be better at doing those stretches. I also was told to get a compression sleeve. I need to wear it daily until about 2 months after radiation ends. Then I will need to wear it just when I work out (never), do any type of heavy work or fly. I was told that it may be uncomfortable, but it really isn't too bad. If I put it way up on my arm, it pinches in my armpit, but I try to put it just under where it does that.

I am really lucky with the timing with all of this. My hair fell out just when the weather was getting cold, so I just wore hats all the time. It is almost grown in enough to stop wearing the hats. I also will not have to wear this sleeve in the hot, hot weather. Just through June. I am feeling really, really good. I guess when one feels really crummy, then when you start to feel better, it seems like everything is lighter and brighter.

Yesterday was my safety day (in regards to the radiation). They put me on the bed of the machine and ran through all the stuff to make sure the computer settings were all correct. They also put two other markers on my. Actual permanent markers and covered with a clear bandage. I don't know why they couldn't have done that instead of tattoos. But oh, well. I have to be careful of the bandages in the shower and not scrub them. I am assuming that they will have to replace them a couple times during the next 6 weeks. But I will be careful not to scrub them off or peel them in any way. Today was the real thing. It took exactly 10 minutes for them to do all the adjusting and then the zapping. It is just like getting an X-ray. The machine adjusts to where it needs to be and zaps whatever it zaps at me. I don't feel anything. It will be a pain to go out every day for a 10 minute appointment, but at the same time - it is so close that at least I am not driving 30 minutes to the doctor's office for a short appointment every day. It is an 8 minute drive. I was home half an hour after I left this morning. That is a good thing! Tomorrow I have my next infusion and visit with Dr. Sri, so I will be gone all morning, and Friday I have an appointment with an ophthalmologist in the morning before my radiation. I started on Tamoxofin 3 weeks ago. That is an anti-estrogen pill I have to take every day for 5 years. So far the only side effect I have had from that is hot flashes. It is that time of my life that it would happen any way, and it is definitely happening. I haven't gotten to the point of actually sweating in public, but I have been awakened in the night having to throw off all the blankets for a couple minutes. I am also hardly wearing my hat (which my hat of choice is knit), at home. I have been tempted to cast it off while out doing errands, but I don't think I am ready for that just yet. Maybe next week....

My hair is coming in just as straight as it was before. It is also dark. We'll see if it stays that way or not. I was so wanting curls and I imagined that it would mostly be gray or white. I remember when a good friend - Paige Cahoon - had her hair grown back. She told me (I didn't know her before she lost her hair) that it was almost black before and it came in a nice dark brown. Of course not knowing her before, it looked totally normal to me, but it probably was weird to her having it be different. I don't know if I will color mine or not - I just have to wait and see. It will be probably another year before it is the length I want it anyway.

Well, not much else going on here. The weather has been really nice. It is cold in the mornings and warm - up in the 50's and 60's in the afternoons. I have been walking at least a mile in the mornings when the girls go to school. I was going to start riding my bike with them this week. But I just realized that I won't be able to do that. I had told the gal who scheduled all my radiation appointments that I could do 9:30 or after and before 2:30. When she walked away, she said "So between 9 and 2:30" and I corrected her and said 9:30. Well, she scheduled me at 9:20. That means I can see the girls off and then leave. So I am missing my morning walk. Maybe I'll see if I can change that tomorrow. I asked about changing one day for next week, and the other gal (all the radiation nurses do the scheduling, too - they don't have just a scheduler), said that if I need to change a day, to talk to them the day before as things are changing all the time with new patients starting and older patients finishing treatments. But I am wanting to change my actual everyday time. I don't want to be difficult, but I also want to be able to walk or ride to keep up my energy.

You Guys Made Me Ink

One of my favorite scenes from "Finding Nemo". I hope the video uploads correctly. But today my saying is "Cancer made me get inked".

That's right! I have tattoos. 3 to be exact. And I have to say...... What the Heck! Why would anyone go through that no matter how beautiful or sentimental the art or how drunk they are at the time. OUCH! is what I have to say about it. No way, no how would I do that for a full-sized one.

Today I went in for what is called a mapping session. It is pre-radiation as they need to program the computer and machines to do what they need to do specifically for my treatment. I was put through a CAT scan machine to measure everything, and with stickers and markers, they found the right position for me to be in before marking permanently with the tattoos. I have one on my sternum and one on each side. Granted, they were just one prick with the needle, but still it is a tattoo. I have to be put in the machine precisely the same position every time to make the radiation hit what needs to be blasted.

I had to be on my back with my arms up over my head. Problem with that is at 5 weeks post op, my right arm is still pretty sore and stiff. I do exercises to straighten it by lying on the floor with my arm straight out to my side. I slowly let my forearm down so it is also flat on the floor. Then I try to move it up more and more. I haven't gotten it up very much past straight out. Just the other day was the first time I was able to put both hands behind my head with my head propped on a pillow. So, today on the flatbed of the scanner, I needed to be in the position they will put me in every time. The technician had a type of blow up pillow thing around my head and shoulders that was programmed to be blown up around me in the position I will have to be in each time. I wanted to be able to grasp the handles they had for me above my head, so I stretched way out of my comfort zone to do that. I only had to be in that position for about 20 minutes while I was put in and out of the scanner about 3 times for him to get just the perfect position. I was just getting a cramp in my neck when we were finally done.

Yesterday I actually went in for my pre-radiation visit with the radiologist to discuss my pathology report and the treatment plan. We are on track. Both today and yesterday, I was told how well my surgical site is healing and one of them couldn't believe it has only been 5 weeks since surgery! I am grateful for a healthy body that can take all of this stuff and still bounce back so well and heal properly and quickly.

Here are some of the things that stood out to me from going over the pathology report with Dr. Call.
First and important - surgical margins: widely clear from invasive carcinoma. This is of course everything one wants to hear when a tumor is being removed from ones body. Clear margins means they got everything they were going after and the cancer was contained in the tissue removed with no cancer left behind.
Next: the Surgical Pathological Stage after Neoadjuvant chemotherapy - ypT1c N1a. I have no idea what this means, except that it is the stage of the cancer after chemotherapy which is given before surgery (neoadjuvant). I guess this is good? Everybody seems to be happy with it. The tumor removed was 1.2 x 1.2 x 0.9 cm in maximum dimension. I can't remember what it was before this all started, but I know the chemo shrunk it significantly. I will go back to the other reports and see if I can find it. And another thing that stood out to me is the Histologic grade: Low Whatever that means???? I am sure I can find out what histologic means, but I don't have time to look that up. I just like the word LOW in there!

So, everything is looking good. I am on track for my next step which is radiation. I have my run through appointment on the 22nd- they call it a Safety day. Meaning that they put me in the machine and punch in all the numbers to make sure that it is positioned correctly and the computer will work as it is programmed to do! They don't do any radiation that day, just a run-through. The radiation starts the following day and will run for 30 sessions. This means 5 days a week for 6 weeks. We talked about the possibility of me taking along weekend if we need to. I can go in on a Thursday morning, and back in at least 6 hours later for a 2nd round that day. Then take Friday-Monday off and do the same thing on Tuesday. There has to be at least 6 hours between treatments. I don't think I can do twice a day for 15 days, but I can do it if we need a 3 or 4 day weekend. Pretty much we don't have anything planned from now until the end of April. The only thing we would take off for is to make a quick trip to SLC for Gaius' blessing. I want to get this started quickly to get it over with quickly.

The only thing I am really not looking forward to about the radiation part is the skin burning. There have been things about each stage of my treatment that I haven't looked forward to, but I have gotten through each one and it is now behind me. There are 7 weeks between me right now and the end of this next experience. Since I still can't believe that 5 weeks have passed since my surgery, I am hopeful that this time will go quickly. There will be something every day, so that should help make the time go by quickly. Well, I need to go say prayers with the girls and get them tucked in. I am 5 minutes over what I told them. Jeff is at some training, and he was maybe going to be able to call - he's calling now. BYE

In Like a Lion.. Out Like a Lamb

I can't believe it's March already. I guess most surgeries go this way. Mine certainly did. It started out recovery seemed to be hurting and stretching on forever! In fact, I was really worried the 2nd week that my arm was going to atrophy from mis-non-use. My left arm bounced back so quickly. Luckily it did as I was able to do so much with it. Like reach for my own glass, clean myself, feed myself and get in and out of bed without much trouble. If I had had a radical surgery on both sides, I can see how some people feel like their arms are tied to their waists. My right arm has been pretty much useless for the last 3 weeks. It is just the last week that I have actually been able to do some things without much pain. I say pain, but I don't mean "OWW! that hurts!!!!". More like "ooooh, that muscle is tight and needs stretching" type feeling. I still can't raise it without supporting it with my left hand. The muscle that enables me to lift my arm straight out to the side is still numb and heavy feeling. I haven't driven myself anywhere yet. I plan on driving myself to the radiologist appointment and PT appointment at the end of next week. If I don't feel like I should on that morning, I will call someone. I did run something to the school the other morning. I drove very slowly and made sure no one was around when I pulled out on the road. My arm was heavy to lift up to turn the wheel. I was ok doing that half mile on a back road, but I won't drive myself to the grocery store a mile down the highway, yet.

I have been out walking in the mornings. The girls are riding their bikes most mornings, so we take off at the same time. They ride through the neighborhood next to ours and I walk out to the main road. By the time I get there, they are down at the other end of that neighborhood where there is a crosswalk and I can watch them cross. I have been walking for about 20 minutes or more. The other day, we all walked, so I went with them to the school. I also met them after school. I hope to be able to ride my bike in the morning and afternoon here pretty soon. I will wait until I get the ok from the physical therapist.

I had my week 25 infusion of Herceptin yesterday. That goes on for the full 52 weeks from when I started the last of August. I should have started Tamoxafin yesterday, but the pharmacy has to order it, so it should be in today. I also got reprimanded by Dr. Sri yesterday because I have not been taking Calcium. I hadn't gotten any yet, so I hadn't started that. I got a year and a half's supply as the store had a sale on a large bottle and it was buy one, get one free. The Tamoxafin will be a once a day pill for 5 years, with a reassessment part-way through. I may switch earlier than 5 years to another anti-estrogen chemo pill, and that will go for another 5 years. I am not excited about the side-effects of this one. I can't remember them all and most of them are a very low risk, but still a risk. It increases my risk of getting ovarian cancer, cataracts, blood clots and stroke. My lifestyle puts me in a low-risk category for all of these, but the drug will increase that by a little bit. I have to have yearly PAP tests, visits with an ophthalmologist and bone density tests.

My peach fuzz is about an inch long now. Not quite thick enough to go without a hat, still. Maybe another month. It is getting warmer out, so the hat is going to have to go soon anyway. I think (hope) my eyelashes are growing back in. I wore some eyeliner a couple times this last week and Jeff didn't like it. He said it was too much. It's hard to put on when there isn't a line of lashes to use as a guide.

We are looking to go to SLC soon for G's baby blessing. We may do it in a couple weeks as it will be before I start radiation. It will be a long weekend whenever we go as Jeff can't take off too much work. If we want to do a full week 'vacation' we have to wait until May as radiation will go from the middle of March through the month of April.

My fingernails ended up having a weird reaction. A few posts ago, I put a picture of the red spots on them. That happened on one hand back in October and the other hand in December I think. they got these bright red spots and the nail was sensitive to pressure. Well, that part of the nail must have died because as it grew out, nail separated from the finger earlier than it should have. So the white part of the nail went way back almost half-way into the nail bed. It is hard to explain, but I had to be really careful cleaning out my nails, as stuff could get way back into my nail and it was hard to reach with a file. It has grown mostly out, so I just have a couple of the fingers where the white part of the nail is deeper than normal. They aren't sensitive as they were in the fall. At least I didn't loose my nails! My cheeks are a little numb. I didn't notice it until a couple weeks ago when a blanket softly brushed up against my face. Dr. Moline said it would be something to discuss with Dr. Sri as it wasn't something she attributed to surgery. It is not extremely noticeable or bothersome in any way. I just notice it when I lightly brush my cheek with something soft. Well, Dr. Sri was stumped too. I don't know if it is due to all this cancer stuff or has to do with my TMJ? We shall see if it gets worse or better with time.

Well, I am feeling this in my upper arm, so I should stop typing. I think today will be the last day with the ace bandage. I have gone without it for the majority of the day the last few days. I was going to go without it all day today, but I figured I will do that tomorrow so I can have Jeff around to put it on for me if I feel like I need it. Hooray for progress!!!

Drain, Drain, go away!!!!

My 2nd post-op appointment today. The last drain was removed and so I am drain free!!!! One was definitely better than three, but it did get in the way and I haven't been able to take a shower. I can now take a shower, but I can't let the water run over my suture lines too much  aren't supposed to get all soggy and pruny.  I don't care, I am going to be happy to just stand in the water and have it run on my head and down my back. Yea! I still have to wear the ace bandage to help the surfaces stay together with slight pressure and help discourage fluid build up. But only for a week or two more.

I am still limited with arm movements and any type of pushing, pullin, lifting and carrying. I will start physical therapy and radiation in about 4weeks. Doctor Moline did say that I can travel between now and radiation (radiation limiting me only because of it being every week-day for 6 weeks.). So we are looking to take our spring break in the next couple weeks instead of waiting for April. Not that we are planning a tropical getaway. More like going to see baby G! (Oh, and maybe even Carter and Maggie, Victoria and Jesse, too).

That is the latest. I have normal energy, am not in any pain and besides being limited physically am feeling pretty normal. I haven't had to take any kind of medication for pain or sleep or anything. This is very nice. Dr. Moline also said that some others who had mastectomies the same week I did still have drains and are healing slower than I am. I know that my "good health"through all of this can only be attributed to prayers and the Priesthood blessings I have received. Thank you! Thank you! To all who have blessed me in this way. Jeff said that several of his clients have come back and told him that they have been praying for me. So, not only my dear friends and family members, but even strangers whom I may never meet are blessing me with their faith. I am so fortunate not only to have that but also to experience and see the outcome of such an outpouring of love and concern.

Ok, I think that is about all my shoulder/arm can handle tonight. Signing off to watch the final of Kids Baking Championship with the family!

2 Weeks Post-op

I am feeling really good. I can do most things for myself and a few light "work" around the house. Mostly I am still taking it really easy and not doing anything. I can make some simple food as long as it doesn't involve slicing, heavy lifting or whisking. I slowly mixed the pancakes yesterday and the waffles this morning. I don't do any washing of dishes as I can't lift most things and reaching isn't in my repertoire yet. I can reach with my left hand, but not my right. I am able to switch laundry loads, but can't lift and carry the basket. Yesterday was a working together time with laundry and chores. I don't do any cleaning. It was a beautiful day so we opened the windows for a few minutes- it was 45* so too cold to really to leave them open for long. The girls played outside most of the morning-probably to get out of doing cleaning. Actually they cleaned the bathrooms and dusted, so those are good for another week.

My hair is growing in a little! It is all peach fuzz, but there is a small amount of stubble that I think is actually growing now. It looks dark and regular. I was hoping for curly-after going though all this, you'd think I'd get something fun as a surprise!


We all went to the ward chili cook off and square dance activity on Friday night. I stayed for about half an hour, but A did some line dancing and N came home and performed it for me- she watched and memorized instead of participated. That morning, I went to a family history instruction time at a friends house. I learned some things I've already forgotten and drove the mouse with my left hand or had the person helping me do it. I lasted a long time. I have a regular amount of energy, I just can't do repetitive things or reaching/lifting. What tires me the most is my right shoulder and upper arm get tired and numb to the point of being uncomfortable. So I just really need to lie down and raise my arm a bit or stretch it.

My bicep(or what's left of it- meaning flab, not that it was removed) in my right arm feels all tight and atrophied. I hope I didn't go too long with not moving it at all. I keep trying to stretch it out, but I haven't noticed much difference over the last week of doing that. My armpit is the same, but there was some stuff removed there and I can't really stretch it without more pain, so I am not worried with that until I see the doctor. Tuesday, the drain should come out! I can't wait to take a real shower. I have gotten in there, but just been able to let it hit my legs and lower back.

Exit Stage Right

Weird title, I know, but I finally found out yesterday what stage cancer I have. The original pathology report stated that the tumors found were stage I. Then when things got looked at a little closer, the two tumors were found to be of the same makeup, so the size was the whole area the two tumors occupied, not the size of the individual tumor. So, that would make it Stage II. Then some lymph nodes were found to have cancer in them, so that bumped it up to Stage III. Well, after the chemotherapy was finished, an ultrasound measurement, and eventually the tissue looked at, the latest pathology report came back that the tumors had shrunk in size significantly, so that made the tumor measurement smaller, thus almost making the classification to be Stage II again. So, make of that what you will. The Stage is not really a determining factor in how serious the cancer is, unless of course it is Stage IV, meaning the cancer has metastasized to other organs - that is not good.

I am 11 days post-op and feeling really well. I have been told not to do repetitive actions with my arms, and this typing - even on a laptop- is probably pushing that restriction a bit. I will probably not make this very long. Focus on how much you move your pectoral muscle while typing on a laptop. You think it is all just in the wrist and fingers, but there is a lot of slight movements of the arm to reach half the keys. I was never really in much pain. The tissue that was removed contains the nerves, so those were removed as well. I have numbness in most of my chest and my right upper arm. It is like the feeling you get coming out of Novocaine after dental work. More of discomfort than pain. I have some stretching exercises to do and will have some physical therapy to start in about a month.

Dr. Sri went over the pathology report with me. The cancer cells were not completely demolished with the chemo, but neither were they unaffected. They did shrink, but not disappear. They also found that 3 of the 12 nodes removed were cancerous. Because my cancer was triple positive, they have drugs that attack certain of those types of cancer cells. The "triple" refers to Estrogen, Progesterone and HER-2 (a gene) positive. One of the 4 drugs they had me on for the 6 infusions was Herceptin. That specifically targets the HER-2. Being HER-2 positive itself decreases my chance for survival (if I remember correctly what the nurse said), by 25%, but Herceptin treatment increases my chance by 50%. So although HER-2 is bad, the treatment is very specific and effective. I also read that Herceptin was not approved for general use until a little over a year ago, so I am very fortunate to be treated now. That being said, I will continue on with the Herceptin every 3 weeks for a full year - through August. There are some side effects with it, but not as harsh as the other 3. I have some fatigue and body aches for a few days. We are also discussing some anti-Estrogen treatments to suppress my body making that to starve the cancer of it's preferred fuel.

My limitations are: I can't drive myself, as I would be considered an impaired driver if I were to get in an accident, even if it weren't my fault. So I am staying home (oh, darn) and puttering around. I can't use my arms in any repetitive motions - or for lifting. I can't do laundry (more for the lifting, than the switching of loads), and I probably can't do needle work. I was originally looking forward to doing some cross-stitching, but moving my right arm to pull the thread, isn't a good idea at this point. I am also noticing that I can't really lift my right arm very well anyway. That will improve with time and exercises. I can't do dishes and I am very slow when it comes to making simple meals for myself. I was also looking forward to organizing my digital photos and family history. - maybe in a couple weeks. Doctor Moline says to move my arm as if doing a very slow yoga pose. I'm not too good with that...

Jeff and the girls pretty much take care of everything else. They have done wonderfully well with Saturday chores (I may take  my visiting teachers' up on their offer to clean my bathrooms as a good deeper clean is needed every couple weeks when the girls are in charge of that :-). Jeff is an excellent cook and loves to do that, so we are eating probably better than when I am completely in charge of meals. My mother is waiting for her flight right now to go home. She has been here for 2 weeks and has been a huge help. She did all the morning stuff for the girls before school, and took care of me during the day with all that I couldn't do. I am not the most patient patient, and I can be a little snarky when I am not feeling well. But she did all those things for me/us with out complaining and smiled through my curtness. We were both surprised at how much I was able to do from the first, that Mother kept expecting me not to be able to do things, and got upset with me when I did do what might have been too much. But yesterday at my appointment, the doctor said I was healing really well and was right on track for what they expected.

The future that I know about will be physical therapy in about a month and radiation starting almost at the same time. PT will be for my range of motion, but also to help prevent lymphedema which the risk of getting that is higher when you have radiation after lymph node removal.

I guess that is all - I really should rest my arm and do some more of my exercises.

Speedy Discharge?

Is there even such a thing? In the hospital when you don't want anyone to come in your room, there is a steady stream of aides, nurses, technicians, etc. I was just going in to give myself a sponge bath when the nutritionist (aka, guy from food services) came in to take my order for lunch and dinner. I shouldn't even be here for lunchtime; I'll have beef stroganoff if I am. But have I seen a doctor to ok my discharge? No. Also, the nurse comes in at 4 to give me some meds and then at 4:15 the NAC comes to take my vitals. I guess it isn't possible for them to come at the same time? Absolutely not! Heaven forbid that you rest -which they tell you is the best thing for a good recovery. Besides that, the nurses and NAC are fabulous! It has been fun for me to compare my experience with Tori's experience from just a week ago. I thought for sure in doing that, that I would find her experience to be better than mine. Not really. I guess that just goes to show that nurses truly are angels on earth! No matter which specialty they work in.

My surgery went well. Dr. Moline told Jeff it went as they had hoped and expected. I am not in much pain. I call it more discomfort than pain. In fact, I have taken all my meds about 2hours past the recommended dosage time. And only then just to make sure that the pain doesn't sneak up on me first. I am supposed to use this thing that my iPad won't let me insert a photo from the album on the iPad???-go figure. Anyway, it's a breathing apparatus that I have to inhale about 5 times and do 5-10 times each hour. It is to help prevent pneumonia. It is really hard to take in a deep breath when your chest is wound tightly with an ace bandage. It feels like my ribs are all bruised up. But I am dong it anyway. I have been able to get up on my own and walk around a bit. I am reaching for things and have been able to feed myself. Which is hard to do from a hospital tray since it puts the food at chin level. I keep feeling guilty each time I reach for anything. I pictured that my instructions would be to not move my arms at all. But each nurse has told me that I just can't raise my arms up or lift anything. That makes me so much happier. That I will be able to feed myself, sponge bathe myself and read and do the iPad, etc. Well, I'm out of room on this screen, so I will end. Still waiting for a doctor. I called my nurse to come in so I could talk to her about being discharged. I shouldn't have told her it wasn't an emergency. She hasn't come yet...... I guess I will brush my teeth. Maybe if I try to take a nap, then everyone I need to see will come in! (Of course not at the same time).

Double or Nothing

I don't have a lot of time to write at this moment, but I am taking the time I have to record something. This afternoon is full through bedtime and I get up at 5 to leave tomorrow morning for surgery.

To re-cap, I left a week ago to go be in SLC for the birth of baby G!

 7lbs 6 oz - 20 inches - yes, he does have jaundice, but he is on day 3 of having a light bed, so they should be able to take him off that tomorrow.

He was born on Friday morning. I got to stay until yesterday and came home about 2 in the afternoon. I have surgery at 7:30 tomorrow morning. This last week was something that will really emotionally carry me through the next couple of weeks. I would go into detail about it all, but I don't have time. Just suffice it to say, he's the most precious thing in the whole world and has made my heart swell to bursting! Tori and Jesse are great parents already, and I had fun watching them do some first time things and worry and stress about some unknown things (like the jaundice and eating, etc.). They handled all that extremely well and are on their way to understanding just what this crazy thing called parenting can do to a person!

I have decided to go ahead and have a double mastectomy. I was considering just doing the right side at this time. The doctor left that decision to me as it mostly has to do with whether or not I could mentally handle the unknown of "what if" - would the cancer come back or manifest itself in the left side if I left that intact. I think I could do that, and I was prepared to do that, but Jeff and I really considered all angles and decided to go ahead and do everything at once.

I am really worried about what to expect the next couple of weeks. I picture myself having to pin my arms to my sides so I don't move anything so it will all heal correctly. I need to do certain things to help stave off lymphadema - which is swelling of the arm - as they are taking most or all of the lymph nodes in my right armpit. I don't think they are taking any left lymph nodes. I cannot do anything with my arms, so I don't know what it will be like to; dress, clean (even with sponge baths), get up and down from a chair, couch or bed. How will I eat, brush my teeth (don't have to worry about brushing my hair), and even hold a book? She said I can't move a computer mouse, but is that thinking of sitting at a computer desk and doing that - or will I be able to use a laptop or ipad? Actually sitting here typing this, I can tell I am using my chest muscles, so I guess not. Can you say STIR CRAZY, BORED, etc??? Mother and I went through all our movies and chose what we may want to watch the next couple of weeks. We also have Netflix and Amazon, so I don't think we'll want for entertainment. Dr. Moline did say that I shouldn't think that I will be house bound, I just can't do anything that requires using my arms - that would mean putting on a coat, so I guess not. She said that I can't drive anywhere, but that I could walk around a store, not carry anything of course.

I guess all these things will be answered by the doctor when she teaches me about my dressings, and other post-op stuff. And then of course I will learn as I go, I am just worried about the unknown at this time. I just can't say enough of how happy and elated I am that I was able to go be with Tori and Jesse at the birth of the dear, sweet, precious little baby. I am so glad they let me be there and that the timing happened before surgery. The next thing is looking at when I will be able to travel for us all to go down there for his blessing. I think that will be about 5-6 weeks out - maybe before radiation starts. If not, we'll have to do it on a long weekend since radiation is a 5 times a week thing for 6 weeks. We shall see again, when the time comes.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I am sitting here with some time on my hands. I have been trying to fill the last couple weeks with projects and errands, knowing that I won't be able to do much after my surgery for a few weeks. I will not be bedridden by any means, but even small gestures with my right side are going to be verboten for at least a couple weeks. I realized this last week that we have been here a year exactly. I am pretty sure the van pulled in on the 23rd and we unloaded and started our life here in Spokane. I did leave part of my heart in Kalispell even though we were there for only a year (well, 51 weeks to be exact), but I am feeling more like this is now home. The year has really flown by, but at the same time it feels like we've been here forever. (in a good way).

Surgery is scheduled on February 1st - a week from today. I have opted for a right side mastectomy with no reconstruction. Dr. Moline did say that this does not completely close the door for reconstruction down the road. I am not thrilled to have something foreign put in my body and so I am going to use bra inserts for my natural look. I am preparing myself to not be able to move my right side for the first couple of weeks. I have been (a little) using my left hand for things like moving the mouse and pulling up my socks. Have you ever tried to pull on socks with only one hand? It's not easy. My mother went and got me a bunch of button up tops. She first sent me a video of some, but they were all size medium. I told her that I was not going for fashion, but for comfort and ease. With my armpit all bandaged up and sore (lymph node removal) I will need to be able to get in and out of tops with ease and the least amount of movement. She then found me some tops in XL and larger. Thank goodness for Value Village and that my mother likes to shop there!

Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful. I am grateful for people who actually follow through on their thoughts and ideas. I come up with great ideas and they come either too late (ie: a great idea for a birthday party game as guest are coming in the door), or I don't follow through with my ideas and thoughts. The biggest thing I am so thankful for are prayers. I know I've said it before, but I can really feel them. I have been carried on angels wings for the last 5 months. My faith in a Loving Heavenly Father and faith and prayers on my behalf have helped me be able to get through the days when I really didn't want to get through those days. They have sustained me to be able to positively head into the next round of chemo, knowing that I will get through it. I am now counting on that same thing to happen with this surgery. I am scared. I am worried. Mostly for the recovery. I really am worried about the possibility of lymphadema. This is where fluid can build up in my arm because of the removal of lymph nodes. I will do all I can under doctor's orders to prevent this. It is just the unknown of all that will be happening with my body healing and recovering that I am worried about. At least the tasting thing will not happen with this next stage of treatment. I will be so happy to never have that happen to me again. A good thing about that is that I don't have a distaste for certain foods that I force-fed myself with during those days that I just had to shove it in so I didn't faint from malnutrition. I think I am pretty much back to being able to eat most anything without any negative effects.

I don't know how the little girls have perceived me through all of this. I really haven't had to seclude myself from them except on 1 day here and there after some of my infusions. I have kept up most of my normal schedule, and been more fatigued than normal. But I know the coming weeks, they will notice a much bigger difference as I just will not physically be able to do a lot of things - and they won't be able to cuddle or give me hugs or things like that. They have been so sweet and helpful when I have needed it, that I am not worried for them. They will have to make their lunches and do their own laundry, which they aren't thrilled about - but they are perfectly capable. I am a bit OCD when it comes to laundry. I actually like to do laundry. I like to know that the clothes are all clean and put away. I have always had one laundry day for the week rather than doing a bit here and there throughout all the week. OH, well, we shall see how this all comes about. Jeff has been even more wonderful than he normally is through out all of this. Of course, he usually does a large percent of grocery shopping and cooking anyway, so we won't starve. But he has been so in tune with what I need and can't do. And then it doesn't bother him if something doesn't get done. Either he'll just go with it or do it himself. I am not worried in the least that there will be things undone or done with complaining (well, maybe a little bit of complaining on the girls' part, but they'll get over it).

The one thing that I am absolutely NOT happy about is the fact that unless he comes in the next 5 days, I will miss the birth of my first grand child. I am so, so sad about this - you don't even know. I am resigned to it, but that doesn't take away the fact that I am sad and that I will miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. I know I will see him later and all that, but this is so irreplaceable. To be there and see a birth and hold a brand-new baby. It just make my heart sad for that. Victoria had been a trooper throughout this not easy pregnancy for her. She is so ready to be over and done with it. She is going to be a great mother and I can't wait to observe that.- They both will be great parents. I am so happy for Victoria and Jesse and look forward to seeing this new little family experience their life.

I've gone on long enough. My hair is growing back in. I have a fuzzy down right now. In fact, yesterday when I took of the scarf I wore to church, the hair was actually flat - it's long enough to be flattened by what I wear on my head. It is not thick enough nor long enough to stop wearing hats, but it is enough that I don't get immediately cold when I take off my hat. It should be another couple months before I can officially be done with head coverings. I did try to wear mascara the other day. I keep saying that I haven't lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. The eyebrows are quite thin and really light (white?), so they are a little hard to see. When I put the mascara on, I noticed that on the upper lid, there are only about 10 lashes on each one, and when I tried to brush it on the bottom lid, there was nothing there - only about 1 or 2 lashes in the outer corner of each eye. I went and got some eye liner instead, so I can look less 'sickly'. I am also noticing that I am tearing more. Maybe that is because there are no lashes to keep in my tears, that my eyes are leaking instead of lubricating themselves.
Now I really have gone on long enough. I am ready for lunch - so I'd better go!