...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. -Psalms 30:5

Friday night I wasn't feeling very well with an annoying headache and my shoulder was very painful. (Not from the port itself, but from being overly careful with it because of the surgery). I took some medication and it seemed to subside enough to sit up with the family before bedtime. I went to bed a little earlier than everyone else. When Jeff came to bed I was just waking up and realized the headache wasn't gone. It got SO much worse in the next few minutes. I have had this about 2 or 3 other times before. It was excruciating! I am so sorry for anyone who suffers from regular migraines. I do get bad headaches every once in a while -maybe once a month at the most, but this is nothing like it. I wanted my head chopped off. I just couldn't get comfortable. Jeff called my sister-in-law, Suzy, who is a pharmacist to make sure what dose of meds I could safely take. The pain went on for about an hour or more. Poor Jeff wasn't sure what to do for me. He did give me a blessing, got me ice, rubbed my back and held my hand. When it got a little better, I tried to go back to bed, but it started back when I lay flat. Finally it did go down enough I was able to go to sleep.

Joy actually did come in the morning! I felt better-just a little lingering thought of some pain, but by noon, that was gone so I was able to help with the family house cleaning and have a regular day. I was thinking on this this morning that it is kind of a reminder to me that "this too shall pass". My coming treatment might be horrible, but it will end. If I do all I can to fight what is happening in my body, in the end I will feel better, be better and much stronger.

On the Homefront.... This morning we have rain! The air is clean and hopefully this is happening all around the region to stop the wildfires. It looked like it was raining west and east of us yesterday, so this is great news. Our fasting and prayers have been answered.

On a Clear Day

We have skipped town. Saturday, I realized that I had appointments Monday and Tuesday and nothing for the rest of the week. Unless of course they wanted to actually start the chemo. Tuesday morning I got a call from Dr. Sri and she said that my CT and bone came back completely clean!!! I was of course excited to hear that, but didn't do a dance or anything. When I told both Jeff and my mom, they heaved a huge sigh of relief! I guess I have just turned off all types of emotional dials- not only am I not overly worried and anxious about what bad can happen, I am also not overly demonstrative about the good that is happening. I am happy as can be inside and relieved with the news. Haven't heard about the brain MRI.

Monday was the bone scan and I had to go in at 9:00 to get the dye injection. When I mentioned to the technician about "my children" he got a worried look and said "If it were me, I wouldn't snuggle with them tonight for a movie night".  The injection was a radioactive dye and made me a walking hazardous material specimen. I said something to A and she kept a 6 foot radius away from me all day. We went to the mall while I waited for the dye to soak into all my bones. We got some school shopping done and A got her haircut. The scan wasn't too bad, just flat in a table and a large screen came down to within an inch of my face, then slowly moved down from head to toe. It took 20 minutes for it to complete the process. We had Taco Bell.....again for lunch.

Tuesday, I had to go into the hospital again for the brain MRI. That was horrible! The breast MRI was nothing to this. For that, I was wheeled in face down, feet first and got headphones with music that somewhat blocked out the noise of the machine. For the head, I was put in a 'Man in The Iron Mask' type thing -the head put in something on the table and the mask put over my face. I was given ear plugs, but they did nothing. I was wheeled in head first so I was completely in the tube. The noise was so loud. Clicks and beeps and buzzes for 30 minutes straight. As soon as that was over, we headed out of town.

My mom drove first, then I took over the the last half of the drive. Of course as soon as I started driving, I get some phone calls I'd been expecting. First one was from the oncology scheduler asking if I could come in this Thursday (now yesterday) for my appointment with Dr. Sri to go over treatment schedule and then to start chemo. Since I had gone out of town, that is now scheduled for Thursday morning this next week.

The last week and a half, except for one day, we have been down wind from all the wildfires in Central Washington. Some of the days have been so bad that we have been warned not to go outside for extended amounts of time. The quality air number being over 150. 150-200 is the highest rating. It was nice to drive over the Pass and get into clear skies and clean air. We got our lungs cleared out and came home today - Friday. It was good to visit with some good friends and family. I got to celebrate Becky's birthday with her a few days late. We got our new car and drove that home. The girls love that it has a dvd player, roll down back windows and back air control. I need to plot out my next few days so I can get a handle on the house, make sure I have all my supplies that I want/need and gear up for my first round in 6 days! YIKES!!!! I am ready to start with the thought that it puts me that much closer to the end of all this. I feel like I have been preparing for all this for about 5 years - it hasn't even been 2 months.

SCANning the horizon

At first I started this whole 'journey' with the attitude of  "There is no rush as there won't be anything to find, and it will be over quickly". Then one day in speaking with one of the many people working on my case (ie: doctor, scheduler or nurse), I got the frantic attitude of "Wow, things are serious and moving along and need to get done." After Dr. Moline told my mom that this is an emotional emergency vs. a medical emergency, I have been able to adjust my attitude to "OK, I want to get things done, but I am not going to put my life on hold." 

I do have the luxury of not being on a schedule set by outside influences. We have had a pretty unscheduled summer - we have gone back to Snoqualmie a few times for some fun stuff that happened back there. Jeff has been busy with work, but we have taken some time for family things. I won't say it's been a boring summer, but it has definitely not been full of going from this activity to that all summer long.

My dad was going to come here today to bring our car and then take Mother home depending on what my treatment schedule was looking like. I kind of got frustrated last week that I have not been told when my treatments will start. I need to know things. At one point I was told they might start as early as the day after the port was put in. But then we have to take into account insurance authorizing each little step along the way. It took a while for the doctors to fight to get the PET-PEM scan, but that was not successful. So the next step was to authorize 3 other scans and then schedule them. I had the body CT scan on Friday. They were able to use the port for the IV injection. That was interesting. There is some numbing cream that I need to put on the area of skin on top of the port. By the time I get to the office, it will be nice and numb. The nurse will then be able to insert the needle of the IV hook-up right into the port which is under the skin. 

Yesterday, I was realizing that with what the doctor said about timing and that I have my other 2 scans scheduled for Monday (bone scan) and Tuesday (Brain MRI), I kind of am in charge of the rest of my week. So the girls and I are going to Snoqualmie with Mother Tuesday-the weekend. My reasoning is that the doctor has to read all the scans when they are in which won't be until Tuesday afternoon at the earliest. So then I have to make an appointment with her to plan out my treatment schedule, I probably won't hear from them until Wednesday at the earliest to schedule that appointment. By that time, I will be able to tell them I am available anytime the following week for that and for starting chemo. 

I am still feeling pretty good. Getting this port put in has been a big step in the progress towards the goal to get chemo started. It makes it all a little more real. At the CT scan the other day, I went in to the office just off the waiting room. In there are a bunch of hats, scarves, wigs, brochures and cookbooks and the like that are available free of charge to anyone who needs them. I found a few hats. I may go back in for a different style hair wig - I think Joanne's is just the same color as what I have and very similar cut to what I normally do. We shall see what I come up with feeling comfortable doing. There are tons of resources for patients such as myself. I took a couple days recovering from the port surgery. I keep getting the feeling of heartburn in my shoulder. It is just a pain, not really shoulder-bone pain, but just a pain. It does feel better, the 'wounds' healing up nicely. Other than that I am sleeping well, feeling well and feel like I have a pretty good out-look about the whole thing. I am going to up date my post about "The Little Things" with gifts and things I am getting - so I have them all in one place. 

imPORTant things

I just couldn't stay up last night any longer. There were a few things I wanted to add about yesterday. I was actually home quite early as the surgery was at 8:45. Mother and I came home. Daddy had left to go back home and his responsibilities there. He drove his "new" (Jeff's old) car. He is taking that to Becky's and switching with our new car - it isn't legally ours as we are waiting for a check from the bank for that. He will drive that here when he comes to get Mother.

I feel like them coming here was a waste of time - in some ways - but was good in others. Yes, I needed someone to be with me on my surgery day, but I am not really that limited, and what I am limited in doing can be put off for a couple days until I or Jeff can get to them. The girls are being helpful. If I had known what this week would have been like I would have told them to stay home now and come later - if it was a choice between this week and my first week of chemo for sure. It has been nice to have them - always is. And it was good for Mother to be at that class with me and also to meet Dr. Moline and hear what she had to say. But it looks like she will be staying through my chemo time -----whenever that ends up being......

Dr. Moline came in after surgery to let me know how things went. She said "I didn't know you are LDS." Turns out she is - and when she said that I seem to remember someone telling me they thought she was. Everything went well with the surgery except that they had to put it on the right side instead of the left. I guess I wrote that last night. I was sent home after I could eat something and get up without being lightheaded.

Dr. Moline told my mom as she was going out into the waiting room and they were wheeling me away from prep something that is enlightening. She said "Remember, this cancer has been growing for a long time. This is not a medical emergency - we can start things now or in two weeks, it won't make much difference. This IS a mental emergency. Waiting is not fun."

We spent the rest of the day just resting. When D left (about an hour before we got home), the girls went over to the neighbor's. Lavena also picked A and her friend A (the neighbor girl) up to take them to the Activity Day activity. We were sitting here reading, etc. after I texted Rachel that we were home, when there was a knock at the door. Here was N with a huge bouquet of flowers and Rachel bringing a dinner to put in the freezer. She knew we had dinner being brought by someone else, but she brought that to use when we need something last minute. She took N back and had A stay there too when they got back from the activity. I took a nap, and just wandered around or sat pretty much all day. I did have a lot of texts from people checking in on me. The girls all came over a little before Jeff got home and Rachel's girls wished me well and then went home after we chatted for a few minutes.

I went to the front door for something and noticed a box on the porch. It must have come before we got home. It was a box of sunshine from Suzy and family. It was full of all yellow things ("Not Pink") to brighten my day. Yellow scrubby, fingernail polish, gum, potato chips, socks (smiley face), lemon heads, sanitizer, sticky notes. It was a fun box overflowing with sunshine!

Then later in the day, Lavena and Luci brought us dinner. That was so nice and tasted so good! The girls helped clean up and we just ended up reading or I wrote here and did other correspondence. It was good to go to bed. My neck hurts when I am fully reclined, so that isn't the most comfortable position, but when I slept I slept well.

I am scheduled tomorrow for a CT scan, and on Monday for a full body bone scan. It was a little disconcerting to call the place for the CT scan and be greeted with "Nuclear Medicine office, may I help you?" I kind of like this 'take one day at a time' principle. I can't worry, change or get away from what is coming. But I can focus my energy on what I have right in front of me at this time and get through it. Then I am through it and I can put it behind me- then onto the next. It has helped me not get all worked up about what is out of my control. After I decided to do this, I read a book that Amanda got from the library. It is called "A Long Walk to Water". Very good about dealing with this day. Also based on a real person's experience.

Listing to Port

The Title is courtesy of Jeff.
FINALLY, something was actually accomplished today. If it weren't for all the cancer and bad stuff in me and the icky stuff they will be putting in me to get rid of the bad stuff I am actually enjoying this journey. There are so many angels in my path and they are all fun to talk to and get to know. My mom said if she has to have any other surgery she will come here just to be able to use the same anesthesiologist I had today. He was jovial and thorough. I had heard long ago that one should let an anesthesiologist know if you don't ever drink coffee or have caffeine. He said it wasn't a necessary bit of information. They base the strength and dosage on other factors, then fine tune it for each specific person. The nurse, Shera, was fun to talk with and explained everything really well. They don't just start poking you and doing things around you without letting you know why and what is happening. One test I had to do only because I am between the ages of 11-54 and female is a pregnancy test. I am NOT pregnant (phew)  not that I had even remotely thought that I might be.....

Dr. Moline came in to speak with me before the surgery. I had a list of questions, and she answered those first.
*Why was my pathology report saying it was "in situ" (which I thought meant contained) but also invasive? And that report said the cancer was stage I.
----The invasive was a later diagnosis based on the size of the tumor and the MRI results. I am considered Stage III - the benchmarks for that are: tumor size (5cm+); node status (infected); age/health (young/good); hormone receptors (triple +). Those have all been found out with tests along the way. 
*How do I care for the surgery site? Can I sleep on my side, swim, shower, etc without worry?
----The port is actually under the skin. It is accessed by a needle poke into the skin then into the surface of the port. 
*How come they aren't taking the nodes out - not to biopsy by because they are cancerous?
----The chemo is set to zap all the bad stuff. After that, we hope to have gotten everything, if not - on to the next step.
*Do cancer cells tend to target weaker spots in the body (ie: injuries, weak spots)?
----Cancer does what it wants, but sometimes might invade arthritis and weak bones specifically. That's why there is such a push to strengthen bones as much as possible. 

She then went on to tell me what she needed to discuss. Some of it was what she told me and Jeff over the phone Monday morning. It was nice to have that repeated and she does express herself with her hands, so that added nice emphasis. The MRI showed a small (not-to-be-concerned-about-but-watch) spot on the left breast that in and of itself they would keep an eye on over the course of time. Do they want to do something with that? Probably not. They hope it will be taken care of with the other treatments. If not, then we will take care of it later. She said "You probably won't have much faith in mammograms after going through what you are". Well, yes and no. My mother found hers with a mammogram and I know of others who have. I would NEVER advise anyone to miss a mammogram. In fact- GET ONE NOW! But add to that self-exams and don't let any questionable thing go un-reported. Mine was not found with a mammogram, and it never did show up on one even when they had something to look for - but that does not mean they aren't effective. - off of soapbox.

The doctor is not impressed with the waiting game that insurance makes you play. Also, that the doctors really, really want to use this PET-PEM scan as it is more effective and precise in it's reading. However, my - and lots of other- insurances don't cover it. So that is not going to happen. I am, instead, doing the next best things which are a CT scan and a full body bone scan. The bone scan is scheduled for Monday.

She marked me up for putting in the port. Because all of the cancer stuff is on the right side, they intended to put the port on the left side to keep it out of the way. However, the main artery in the neck is on the right - the left artery being smaller and joins the other one under the clavicle. My left vein (not unusually) is small, just barely twice the size as the port tube, so they had to put it on the right side to get it into a significantly larger vein. It had to be put up closer to the collar bone than they would have because of all the other stuff happening in the right breast. I will have this port in for about a year - since I will be receiving some kind of IV frequently for that length of time. (chemo and then Herceptin after that). The port is interesting - you can click here to see how it works and what it looks like. Nothing will show from the outside. Right now, I have two incision sites which when those heal, I won't need bandages or anything. I have a lump where the port is, but that is all that indicates it being there. I guess the port is about the size of a quarter (don't know how thick it is - my swollen spot feels like it is about an inch thick, but I doubt it is close to that at all!

I just took a pain pill, so I may wake up with my face on the keyboard. I am not in a huge amount of pain. My neck hurts when I swallow - not my throat, but my neck, just the same feeling. It feels like I have a stiff neck feeling, like I can't turn my head, but I have pretty good range of motion. I can move my arms without pain - just a little limited. I guess that is all. I may have more to add, but will do a part 2 thing if I am adding to this, not adding new stuff.

Tuesday waiting game

Yesterday was another respite day. I had a cancer class in the morning which was held at the center where I will be going to receive the chemo. It was very in depth about what my body will be going through. I don't know if they normally do it one on one, but there weren't any other patients in there with us. There are so many resources available to me as a cancer patient. Nutrition counseling, counseling for children whose family members who have cancer, etc. My class leader, Tracy, went over each step in detail She explained each possible side effect and some ways to combat those. Nausea used to be a more common complaint, but there are so many anti-nausea treatments that it is not as big a concern. However, I have been counseled to take any medication immediately and not 'tough' it out. Fatigue, mouth sores, neuropathy, achy bones, and of course hair loss, etc. Even though I knew all this, I feel better having heard what she had to say about it. We (Mother came with me) got a quick tour of the facility. There are nice, large recliners which the patient sits in during the treatment time. There are small, not comfortable looking chairs that anyone accompanying the patient can sit in. (glorified class/conference room chairs). I will be able to move around a little if I wish. The treatment time will be around 6+ hours. Joanne told me that she was sleepy and dozed most of her time. When I asked Tracy if that is normally the case, she said no. I can ask for a relaxation drug if I wish, but I should be able to read or do handwork or whatever. I just realized that won't work if I wear the cold packs on my hands. Tracy said she hadn't really seen people using cold packs, but she has heard the theory behind why I might want to do it. I don't want to take any chances on getting neuropathy.

I had not remembered the correct class start time, so Mother and I were there 1/2 hour early. It was good to gather thoughts and just talk. The only bad thing was that it put us that much later for breakfast. We went to Frank's Diner just a few miles from our house. It was GOOD! They had a half size serving available and it was perfect. If I had ordered the full size, I may have eaten more, but gone home feeling too full. The hash browns were the way I like them, and the omelet was perfectly done. They do a buttermilk biscuit, open it up and slather it with butter then brown in on the grill YUM!

The rest of the day was some laundry and answering a lot of texts and trying to read up on some stuff. Jeff's car didn't start on Sunday, so he had my car. Luckily Mother and Daddy were here so we had their car on hand for all the places I have to go. We had been thinking of this anyway, but we decided to give Jeff's car to them since we are getting a new(er) car - buying Becky's car. D took the car to the repair shop literally across the street to have it checked. He decided it was worth repairing it (new battery and alternator), and they spent yesterday getting that done and changing the title. We then went to the temple in the evening. That was a very wonderful time to be there. We barely made it - Jeff had a chatty client that made him really late. We met him half-way there and slipped in just at the last minute. Afterwards, Mother and I were in the dressing room and felt a hug from behind and we turned around to see Stacy there! It was good to talk with her even though the girls and I were just there last week. Since my progress (or not) is changing everyday, I had some things to catch her up on. That was a blessing. The setting sun and the crescent moon were both a bright orange-red because of all the fires in Central Washington. There are so many and with the wind blowing all the smoke our way, we have had hazy atmosphere for longer than a week. Tonight, we couldn't even seen the sun the haze was so thick. It felt like dusk right before a storm from 5:00 on tonight.

Surgery - alterations

Here I am again having to redo something in my schedule. And I am finally sitting down to write something, but I really have to get the girls something to eat before I leave to go to the temple.

Yesterday was supposed to be a surgery to get my port inserted and possible SNL - sentinel node biopsy. That didn't happen. I will copy what I wrote into an email and then I have to go.....

My life is changing literally by the minute these days. Once all the tests and preliminary stuff is done, I will (hopefully ) be down to a simple (?) schedule.

I was scheduled for a surgery today to insert the port that is used instead of an IV for all the injections I will be receiving over the following months. There was possibly going to be another surgery at the same time depending on the results of the breast MRI. Those results came back with undeniable showings that the lymph nodes are infected. I am now rescheduled for port surgery Wednesday morning. a PET-PEM scan is tentatively scheduled pending insurance authorization - for Friday morning. The chemo will start as soon after that as they can - Monday?

The surgeon called this morning and Jeff and I had a nice long talk with her. She is very serious about her job - her job being to make me better. The MRI showed that the cancer is more than one lump, but it is contiguous - meaning that they measure it as one space because it is the same cancer, not 2 or 3 different- as big as the smaller lumps take up all together. With that measurement, the lump(s) measure 5+cm. The lymph nodes are also infected so that means that the cancer is in them. Since the lymph nodes are a filtering system for the body, and  they have cancer in them, the whole body is at risk. The PET-PEM scan will determine where - if - the cancer has spread to elsewhere in my body. That involves being injected with radioactive sugar and the scan will pick that up. All cells love sugar (it makes them grow), so they soak up the sugar. Cancer is fast growing, so it soaks up more sugar and will show more brightly on a scan. The lymph nodes being infected does not mean that the brain is also infected, but because I am HER2 positive, there is a larger risk that it might have spread there also. This is not an emergency test, but the brain cannot be scanned on the above mentioned scan - that has to be done on a separate brain MRI - will be scheduled when it can be fit in - probably next week. The PET scan needs to happen before chemo starts.

I am just realizing that I should be writing all this on my blog, but I did want you special-to-me people to know the latest. We have been waiting, waiting on this MRI - it had to be redone last week, to know the direction all my treatments will be going. There are still a LOT of questions and uncertainties. Once I start chemo, then that will be scheduled out for 18 weeks (6 rounds, 3 weeks apart), and I will at least have a better idea of what to expect. Right now everything is changing even as I sit here and write this. Life goes on and there is also that to consider!

I love you all! and thank you sooo, so much for all the prayers and fasting, etc. being sent my way. I know that without those I would be a basket case. My friend I walk with in the mornings, probably thinks I am an airhead and missing all the importance and seriousness of the situation. I do understand that, it just isn't effecting me with worry. I have the feeling that I can do the next step - then take on the one after that. I can't get myself worked up over what will happen down the road.

I am receiving texts and emails - just know that they make me smile and laugh or whatever, but I might not be able to respond right away - I love hearing from you! and I most likely will be able to respond sometime, just not right away. 

xoxoxo to you ALL - you may share this with anyone who may be interested or I may have overlooked - I have learned not to assume anything with this enemy, all the information is changing all the time. It is bad, but it will be overcome!

UPDATE: fro the above email which I wrote last night - the PET-PEM is not authorized by the insurance. Now I am waiting for authorization for another type of scan - I think she said CT/bone.
I AM having the port surgery tomorrow morning, then will be waiting for the next step to be dictated to me so I know what I can do about that.

Surgery Eve

I have had a lot of people surprised that I am not having surgery first in the line of defense against cancer. I am having some surgery tomorrow, but not THE surgery. That one will be after all the cycles of chemotherapy. This is not unusual. I guess most people hear about the surgery/radiation or surgery/chemo/radiation schedule of events. My doctors have decided that for my treatment the chemo/surgery/(possible) radiation is the best way to go. 

Tomorrow I am scheduled for surgery to insert a port which they will use for chemotherapy. This is so I don't have to have an IV put in every time I go. At that time, they may also do an SNL - Sentinel Node (something-L) biopsy. I will find out that in the morning as the results from the MRI is what determines if that will have to be done or not. I don't know this from researching, but I am thinking (and hoping) that if the SNL does not have to be done will be the best because that will mean that the lymph nodes have not become infected. Still my own opinion, but if it hasn't gone to the lymph nodes, doesn't that mean that it is contained in the breast? Wouldn't that be a good thing? Well, we shall find out tomorrow.

Also, I learned on Friday that Dr. Sri has ordered another scan - either PET or CT depending on what the insurance will authorize - to be done before she will start chemo. I don't know if she ordered that before or after she read the MRI results - before I assume to have it ready if needed. Because of that, I am not sure when chemo will actually start.

Joanne came over and gave me all her 'stuff' - that she used during her cancer treatments. She has some ice gel packs that help with neuropathy, some L-Glutamine that will help with mouth sores. She is also letting me use her wig and her hat/wig! She had some nice scarfs and beanies. I guess I need to learn how to tie those on correctly. 

This is all still surreal. I don't really feel that it is going to happen. I am still thinking there is going to be come kind of 'out' for me. I feel like I can handle all of it - but I don't want to lose my hair. I haven't ever been a hair lover, and I have not ever really liked my stick straight hair - I just don't want to deal with not having it. Having to keep warm with a hat, wearing a wig, drawing on eyebrows and eyeliner and special shampoo. There are so many other things to keep track of - getting different toothpaste, using mouthwash, making sure to get this or that supplement. It is all overwhelming to me. As I said before, I am not a researcher, and I have been very blessed with tips and stuff from others. This is all coming so fast. But then again, if it were to all start 3 weeks down the road, I would be saying the same thing 3 weeks from now. 

I was thinking this was going to be a little longer, but the evening has gone away from me. We'll see how up to writing I am tomorrow.

Dr. Sri

Well, here we go! I just got back from meeting with Dr. Gopaluni - known as Dr. Sri (shree). She came across to me as very knowledgeable and also able to dumb down what she has to say. I figure that they have done this long enough and had the same kinds of questions to make up a spiel that answers those FAQs. A couple of times, I felt like she was very young - she sat with her one leg tucked under her and when she got to writing out things for me, she scooted her chair up next to mine and put her folder and paper in her lap with her feet propped up like she was settling in to reading  a good book or sketching on the beach.  I really, really like her. When Dr. Moline explained the 2 oncologists on the North end,  she said "One does not work with BC patients as much, but our one that does is from India and she speaks very fast and may be hard to understand. Well......THANK YOU VIDYA - my neighbor from Snoqualmie who is from India. She prepared me for understanding Dr. Sri with no problems at all. I didn't feel like I had to try hard to understand her.

Now down to business. I have been blithely going along thinking that there is no rush to anything. Yes, all this cancer business will come first, but to take it as it comes and schedule when it all fits in. NOT SO! From my phone conversations this morning to clear up the mess with redoing the MRI I started to get the feeling that all this is to be taken seriously. Dr. S laid it all out to me. The reason she wanted to meet me today and put off the MRI is so the ball can be kept rolling because the next time we meet may be to start treatment which may happen next week. getting ahead........

I have said before that if you have to have a serious illness, cancer is the way to go in that they treat you really well. Everybody so far has been so nice and helpful and double check that I understand. They also do all the legwork - which is really phone work. Just now, I am wondering if everybody gets treated this way, or is it because mine is more aggressive that they are opening up appointments just for me. Monday when I rescheduled the MRI, they were going to open up in the morning on Tuesday for an early appointment, but also found one for today which I decided to take. Now that has been rescheduled for me to tomorrow which I don't think was available on Monday. Also, the scheduler said that she was working to get me in for surgery on Monday - they were having to rearrange things, but if that didn't work, it would be Wednesday ----getting ahead again.

Can you tell that my brain is not settling down on anything? I am jumping all over the place.  First off, The cancer is at stage II and following the MRI and possible PET or CT scan might have to be upgraded to III or higher. The HER2-neu receptor is an agressive cancer and I am also estrogen positive - which is a good thing. They have specific drugs which target those. One thing I have going very much in my favor is my age. Everyone keeps saying "you're young, so that helps a LOT". So no more old jokes coming from me. That is changing the outlook on all sides of this whole thing.

The MRI will answer a lot of questions. One will be how my chemo schedule will be. If I have to have a more aggressive treatment, then I actually have to go in less times. There is the determination of whether the nodes are affected or not. If they are, the treatment will be more drugs (4 instead of 3) given one day 3 weeks apart for 6 cycles = 18 weeks.  If the nodes aren't affected, then I will have a dose of 3 drugs every 3 weeks, with one of those being given once a week the 2 off weeks; for 6 cycles = 18 weeks. So the duration is the same, the side effects are basically the same but the treatment doses are adjusted slightly. The 2 off week 1 drug will not really have the fatigue that the other weeks will - I just go in, receive it and go home. Whereas the major dose days, I am in for half a day and come home and am out of the loop for a couple days.

Plan of attack: get that MRI done! and possible PET or CT scan for some more details needed after MRI. The results from those will determine which treatment schedule I receive. I need to get into a chemo class that they have to educate me/us on what chemo is all about.

I asked Dr. Sri how long after the surgery for the port (and possible nodes), would I need for recovery and then start chemo. She said "Oh, it will be the next day. Sometimes we start that the same day." So the class has to happen this week, I need to go get the anti-nausea prescription to have on hand for whenever I feel so inclined to need it and I need to prep mentally for all this to start. I haven't done the latter and don't know when I can. I have life buzzing around me and I just don't feel like sitting down and making myself take this all in. I just want someone to tell me what to do, all the easiest ways to deal with the physical aspect of this and then get through it so I can leave it all behind.

I don't know what else to write. I am overwhelmed. When Dr. S shook my hand on the way out today, she looked me squarely in the eye and said "You will get through this. Your faith and determination will get you through and that will happen!".  I LIKE HER. I have confidence in her and he abilities. BUT, I also have faith in my Heavenly Father that His will is happening. What will be best for me and my family is what will be the outcome of this whole experience. I know that I will be better and will grow and learn so much through this all that I cannot learn in any other way. I am grateful for all the people who have shared so much with me, have offered their help and prayers for me. I even had a good friend who lives on the other side of the country offer to help me in any way. She saw a need that I would not have thought about. Although we had been speaking of it. I am not a researcher, I am not a great learner (book-type learning), but I do learn hands on and from other's advice. She offered to research for me some things that will help with chemo recovery and survival. Thanks Jen, for thinking outside the box! She made me realize that help doesn't mean watching my kiddos, making dinner or cleaning my toilets. Although I will need that, I will rely on information that others - like Joanne, too - who have been there, or researched it and can pass it on!

MRI - alterations

Yesterday I went in for my MRI. I was not looking forward to it, although my sister had prepared me to know that it would be loud and to ask if I could wiggle my toes. I haven't had anything like this done before, but I had heard about MRI's from others enough to know that you cannot move at all, or it all has to be redone.

This was done downtown at Sacred Heart. I got a little lost getting into the correct building, but finally found the right office. The phlebotomist was a really nice gal and I was very comfortable for the waiting part. The next gal to come in had just started her day and she was very nice, too. She explained a little about what was going to happen and said that they would wait until I was completely comfortable before they started and I would have to start not moving.

She took me in and I climbed up on the machine. I had to be on my stomach with my arms stretched over my head and my face in a padded thing like a massage table. I didn't do much adjusting before they pushed the table right into the machine. It was loud and not too uncomfortable until halfway through. My elbow and both hands went numb and my fingers went to sleep and felt three times their size. I did some finger wiggles and might have done some wrist spinning. When they finally got me out, I was about to squeeze the ball that they give you to let them know you can't take any more. Problem is that my fingers were asleep, so I probably wouldn't have been able to squeeze it hard enough. And if I had I would have to start all over.

Well.......it just so happens that for some reason, the dye did not go through the IV. Well, 1cc out of 14 did go through. They said I might be able to wait 1/2 an hour to do it over, but she would ask the doctor if the little bit of dye would make enough contrast. That was a NO as they didn't want to risk missing anything because of the contrast being so light. Also, they couldn't just start over as there was enough contrast to make it so the baseline (without contrast) would not work. So rescheduling was the answer.

A lot has changed in the last 14 hours of starting this post. Because of needing to reschedule my MRI, I called them myself to do that. The time they had conflicted with my first visit with Dr. G - who goes by  Dr. Sri (shree) - just found that out when the scheduler said that I would be seeing Dr. Sri today and I was confused. - her first name is Srivalli.

Back to what is actually happening. I rescheduled the MRI for today and cancelled with Dr. Sri for today to reschedule for Tuesday. Just heard from their office and Dr. Moline and Dr. Sri were talking this morning and want me to meet with her today still and reschedule the MRI. I guess that not only is it nice that they take care of everything and call you for what you need, I really shouldn't take matters into my own hands - let them do all of the leg work.

I meet Dr. Sri today, MRI tomorrow and surgery is now scheduled for Monday - they have to have the hospital make room for me probably towards the end of the day if not, then surgery will be Wednesday. PHEW! I really guess things are moving forward not just happening whenever type attitude. Maybe I better get serious. I haven't taken any of this seriously as in serious, serious. More like sauntering along my treatment trail. Should I be nervous - I guess so - Am I nervous, not really, but getting there. I still have research and understanding to do. I'm not quite ready for all this to start as in next week - more like next month! Surgery is putting the port in and possibly SNL - Sentinal Node biopsy. That will be determined today with my dr. appointment whether that latter has to happen, too.
Off to dry my hair, get the girls breakfast and to their friends house for during my appointment.

Echo-cardiogram

Well, today was the first of all the preliminary appointments. I had an Echo-cardiogram today. The technician was very nice and answered my questions during the test. It is because I will be having chemo that I needed it. They will do follow up tests during the treatment to make sure my heart isn't being effected by it all.
I thought to take the girls with me to all my appointments in hopes that they could grasp and understand what I am going through and what is happening. I don't want them to come out of this with being more proficient on the iPad and animal jam and think back with "oh, yea, there were some days that mom didn't feel well or volunteer much at school this year". I don't know how to do that without lugging them with me to these tests -as the actual treatment and surgeries won't be until after school starts. But then they will just end up sitting in the waiting room playing on the all consuming iPad anyway.
Most of my tests are at Sacred Heart which is downtown Spokane. It took me more than 30 minutes this morning. I have to go through 26 lights to get there (yes, I did count them). I can go another way, but that puts me a few blocks east and is more than 15 lights (yes, I counted those too).

I thought it would be nice to put some pictures on this, but I might be reported for indecent exposure if I took pics of me in the lovely hospital gowns they require me to wear. Today, it was a flimsy waist long thing made up of the stuff you see on the bottom of upholstered chairs. They do try to make you comfortable, but I need to remember to at least tuck some socks into my purse just in case my feet get a little chilly.

Next up, is my MRI on Monday, and I meet the oncologist Dr. Gopaluni on Wednesday. I think reality is starting to catch up to me. I have been having waves of emotional nausea hit me every so often. I am trying to keep busy and focus my attention on the life going on around me rather than what is going to happen to me. I didn't expect to make it through with having upbeat and calm emotions every day, but I can try!  Again, I feel the prayers and positive thoughts from friends and family and it gives me such strength! I would be a basket case without that.

$200 - part 2

What a relaxing and wonderful weekend! Extended to this morning (Tuesday). We so enjoyed having Carter and Maggie and my parents "drop" in for a visit. I feel badly that I stressed - especially late Saturday evening - over my Relief Society lesson. I was wanting to play with people here - I had not really put off preparing as I have been pondering over it for 2 weeks now. I just was going to use Friday and Saturday to pull it all together. Well, Saturday evening came and instead it was falling apart - so I fell apart. But come Sunday morning, I was able to find a conference talk from 1972 (thank you internet - and the Spirit) that led me in a completely different direction.It all fell together and we had a good discussion.

Back to my purpose - Because of the email my dad sent out about having a special fast on Sunday for me, I have felt lots and lots of power and strength. (I should have asked for prayers about my lesson!). I really did fall apart on Saturday, and I think my family thought I was overcome with reality hitting me regarding my cancer and experience ahead. But really, I was so stressed over my lesson. Maybe it had (probably) something to do with the whole week and all that I have learned and the fun surprise visitors, but once the lesson time started, I was fine. Like a whole ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders. With all I have been internalizing, I have felt that my brain power had sort of shut down and that my head is full of mush - I am not able to really focus and my recall isn't recalling very quickly. But that is probably due more to age than it is to anything else. I am the same (physically) as I was 3 weeks ago - I just know some thing different about myself. I won't be the same once things start happening and my brain has already reacted to that and decided to start being different earlier than my body will - I guess.

I have hesitated putting all of this into a blog, because sometimes I say something and it is misinterpreted, actually probably not misinterpreted, but mis-presented from my end. Anyway, I write it as I am thinking it. So, to back up to my appointment last Tuesday - I guess I will put it all in a nutshell:
*I have breast cancer.
*There are genes in the cancer which are present (HER2-neu) that cause the cancer to grow at an increased rate. Although it is at a grade 2 which means that it isn't slow-growing (1), nor fast growing (3), but more just average. This gene is found in 1 out of 4 breast cancers.
* They don't know yet if the cancer has spread and won't know until the MRI is done. At that time, they will also determine if lymph nodes need to be removed and biopsied.
*The first thing my doctor said was to wait until we have the whole picture. There are things we do know but there are things we don't know and when we know it all is when all the decisions will be made and we will be able to determine what direction and road to take for treatment.

All that being said - she did come in with a pretty good idea of what to tell us and which direction she will encourage us to take. Both options she gave me included surgery, chemo and radiation. These may be done in different orders as the main surgery doesn't always come first. Also, it is not yet for sure what kind of surgery will be needed. If the MRI reveals that the cancer appears to be contained to the one area already biopsied, I will most likely have a lumpectomy. If it appears to have spread further, then I will have to decide if I want to do more. She said that in some cases, that decision rests solely on my personality and how much I can or will stress for the rest of my life on whether or not the cancer will return - and if every time something unusual happens that I freak out about what might be.

Jeff, my dad, and Carter gave me a blessing on Sunday. In it I was told that if it was Heavenly Father's will that right then and there, the cancer could be stopped and I wouldn't have to go through any of this. I believe that with all my heart. I do know that the Priesthood is a very real thing - that with it great things can happen. I believe that miracles are performed because that is what is necessary - either for the person to whom the miracle happens or for those observing and serving the person receiving that blessing/miracle.  I also know with all my heart that all experiences are for our growth and understanding and learning. Without trials, illness and hardships, none of us would grow and become better. We wouldn't understand how others feel and how to help and serve others. There would be no sympathy or empathy in the world. I also know that "with God, nothing is impossible" - be that, that I am healed miraculously and inexplicably or that I am healed through the miracle of modern medicine. God will uplift me and strengthen me and I and others will be all the better for it.

Still, I am feeling calm. I have a great surgeon; she has confidence in my oncologist with whom I have yet to meet. I am not in charge of making phone calls and making sure things are happening. The doctor's scheduler told me that I will be the one receiving phone calls not making them. All the different specialists I need to see are aware of me, we are just waiting for authorization - which I just found out that each little step needs to be authorized. I don't get one big OK for whatever I need. The authorization has been put through for the MRI, so I should hear from that clinic tomorrow!