The Blahs

This week has been full of lots of different feelings. It was not good, but there were some good points. First, my mother came to help this time. It must have been inspired. The last 3 treatments I have been able to handle just lying low and letting things go. We had a couple of fun days together before Thursday. Then Thursday (Jeff's and my anniversary), was ok and Friday wasn't all that bad. Actually Saturday was ok to start out with. I think she wondered why she came as I was able to get up and do things. I made the pancake batter Saturday morning and sat out in the living room with the family life going on. I would get my own food and water. Then the afternoon hit and I can't even remember what happened. I don't remember if I was with it or went in my room to escape. I know that the neighbor girl came to play with A and they were quiet. Jeff took N and the other neighbor girl shopping as N needed to get a birthday present for a friend.

Sunday I was NOT good. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't sleep or sit or lie down. I just writhed on my bed wishing it would all go away. All I could do was think - "well, that's one minute closer to feeling better". Finally in the evening, I asked Jeff for a blessing. That was about the only thing I could think of to answer the question "What can I get for you?" Our neighbor, Clint, came over and helped Jeff with that. About 30 minutes later, I felt like I could at least not dread the next few minutes and I wasn't so un-attached. Friday night, I didn't sleep well (with a pill), and I was so tired Saturday that I thought to not have to need a sleeping aid. I was wrong. Sunday I took one at bedtime and I slept like Friday - about 3 hours uninterrupted - then off and on for the rest of the night. Monday was about the same - maybe a little better. Last night was much better. I don't know which is the better of the two - sleeping for 3 hours, awake for 2 and off and on for 3 or sleeping 6 hours straight and then be awake from 4:00 on. The sleeping pill does not knock me out for the whole night. 

Monday was a much better day. I rested all day and helped mother with the laundry. I need to get up and move around to get the blood pumping out all the toxins. Walking around the house does the trick. We also sat and planned Thanksgiving stuff. We do this every year, even though it is always the same stuff. (Although this year we are adding a green bean dish and we've never done that). Tuesday was about the same - I felt a little better. I even walked out to the main road to watch the girl's cross on their way to school. Mother and I each had stitching projects to do, so we sat here all day doing that and chatting. I am very tired today, as I have been the whole time. I can tell that the tiredness is lasting longer and being a little more intense. A and I hung crepe paper while Grandma took N shopping for her birthday. That was tiring. I have puttered around just to get up and moving, but spent most of the day on the couch.

The time with my mom here has been such a blessing. She did cleaning, playing with the kiddos, driving for me, and made N's birthday a special day. Without her here today, poor N would have spent it just like any other day off of school - pretty much boring being inside stuff. There was a time last night when I was worried for her (my mother). She took the girls to their piano lesson. Lesson's start at 4:30 and it is a 10 minute drive. It is right now 4:45 and completely dark. She isn't comfortable driving in the dark, especially in new, unlit areas. Well, the way to lessons is curvy, back roads. Luckily she had Siri to take her there and back, but it was sketchy. I sat here watching it get darker and darker hoping she was calm in her drive. She came home fine, but was glad she was home. Jeff got them on his way home from work. Normally, the piano teacher has been coming here on the week that I can't drive. I just wanted to not have to have her do that. 

This time, Dr. Sri said that my blood work has all been consistent, and that my kidneys are handling all the drugs well. The nurse said that they upped one of the drugs because of it. I am hoping they don't do that again. I have an echocardiogram scheduled on the 30th and an ultrasound to check the lumps on the 1st. The next treatment is the 3rd. They have to make sure my heart is holding up well through all of this - some of the drugs can take a toll on it. I do know that this may be one reason why I don't sleep well. My heart rate doesn't really go down when I am resting. It isn't like it is racing. But, when I have counted my resting heart rate at a normal time, it has been about 66 or 67. I did it at a time when I felt it wasn't calming a little, it was about 72. I know it's not much of a difference and maybe it doesn't matter, but it just seemed to me it wasn't slowing as it normally does. I was a little worried I was getting constipated this time, but that is no longer a concern.

Well, Jeff should be home soon. N has been asking all day when she can open her presents (Grandma took her shopping for a present and Jeff is getting ours on his way home tonight, so there haven't been wrapped gifts out here yet). She wants to do it "When dad gets home and changes his clothes". I think she thought it was generous of her to let him change his clothes. But she has to wait until after dinner like everyone else does on their birthdays. Jeff just opened the garage door. I'm off - to no where - but will watch everyone else get dinner ready and maybe even join them at the table. 

4th one down!!!!!

just a quick note to write that today was not only Jeff's and my 27th year anniversary, it was also my 4th infusion. Not the way I expect to celebrate a milestone, but I am happy to have number four under my belt. I feel pretty good today and even enjoyed dinner tonight. Kim Porter brought dinner of a chicken tomato bake, plus peaches, bread and soup for another night. It was really, really good and so thoughtful of her.

I learned that my creatinine levels were good and have been remaining low, so they upped one of my drugs that effects that. This means that my kidneys are doing well and they can put me on a higher dosage of the drug that effects those levels and make it more effective in fighting the cancer. They did that last time. I wonder if that is why I felt more tired last time?  I guess that means my body is reacting well to everything. She is also scheduling an echocardiogram to make sure my heart is staying healthy as some of the drugs can cause damage to the heart. I am going to have an ultrasound to see if the tumor is shrinking as they wish it to do.

Jeff and I celebrated last night by going to the temple then out to dinner at Clinkerdaggers. That is a very nice restaurant in town. Part of its ambiance is that it looks right out over the Spokane Falls, but it was dark and we couldn't really see it even with some flood lights on that part of the river. The restaurant itself was really fun, though. I had prime rib and Jeff had a really good salmon. They gave us a creme brûlée for our anniversary and we also got bananas foster which was really, really good. It was a great night to spend with my eternal companion!

October is Almost Over

I LOVE FALL!!!! It is my favorite season by far. There is a meme floating around FB that shows a beautiful river with trees lining it showcasing all the colors of fall. It says "My favorite color is October". But I am happy when October is finally over. That means Halloween is behind us for another year! I hate all the ghoolie, gross, bloody stuff that Halloween has come to mean for some people. I don't mind trick-or-treating, getting costumes together for the kiddos, even decorating a bit for Halloween. But when you have it in your face every time you turn on the TV, and drive around seeing death (grotesque death) hanging on front yard trees and skulls and stuff in the stores, count me out!
This year, I'm not really looking forward to the candy part of Halloween. I can't eat it. I have not been able to enjoy candy. I did eat a pumpkin cookie last night that tasted really good - that was the first sweet thing I've enjoyed since August.

As for how this round went - it wasn't great. #1 was the worst, #3 the next and #2 was the best so far. I didn't have the heavy lead-weight feeling, but I did have the same non-taste extreme dry mouth happen this time. I also got a UTI yesterday, so I am on anti-biotics for that. I went to the dermatologist yesterday and the PA (who looked 16 years old), said it was most likely rosacea. He prescribed a cream for it. Rosacea is not really diagnosable, and it isn't treatable, but it can be controlled. He and the Dr. said that it was the steroids that I got the first round that caused the inflammation that made my face look so horrible. It is similar to a steroid that they use for some kind of facial problem (I can't remember). They said that the breakout looked just like when they treat their patients with this steroid. It hasn't inflammed again even though I get the steroid each time. He said that the red spots left over from the breakout bumps will take a few months to go away. The cream he prescribed should help.

I am ready for the next round, but really happy I get at least a week of feeling good before that all starts again. I am back to being able to eat and enjoy most of what I consume. That is probably the hardest, having to eat when anything makes me just want to gag. At least this time water didn't make me gag. I need to remember popscicles next time. That will help with the swelling feeling in my mouth and get some kind of something in me.

Halfway There

I have been putting off admitting that I am halfway through. Yes, I completed my 3rd of 6 treatments last week, but that is far from halfway. The day of treatment is a breeze. It's the week that follows that is the hard road, and then the couple weeks after that that one starts to feel normal again before it all starts over. And when I think of it, even after the new year when my treatments are done and my bad week is behind me, I am not sure what is coming next, but it will be something.

So, yes, I am now at the end of my 3rd infusion, and 3rd bad week. And what a week it was! I did some things differently, and I don't know if that is what is to blame. It wasn't as bad as the first round. I did not have any of the heavy body, unable to move feeling about me (thankfully!!!). I did have the same thing happen this time with my mouth. Extreme dry mouth with dead taste buds. Nothing tasted good and it has been hard to get food down. I have had no nausea whatsoever. This time, I decided to forego the anti-nausea pill as one side effect of that is dizziness. I did not like that feeling last time, so I thought I'd be extra watchful if I even had nausea, I would pop it in right away. No, that did not come. But the dry mouth did. I don't know if that would have been avoided with the pill or not??? Jeff said that I will finally figure everything out and it will all be over. One thing different this time is that they were handing out flu shots like candy on Halloween at the chemo room. I did (of course) have one. I have not gone for the flu shot in the past. I feel like it is better to take my chances on catching it (only once have I gotten it- since the push to get flu shots) and build up my resistance on my own. I am not on a soap box here. I just feel like the majority of our non-life threatening vaccines these days are more for the convenience of people not missing work than it is for health purposes. Unless of course one is at high-risk (which I am at this point), then I don't opt for it myself. I am a minority, I know, in my way of thinking and my life situation. I can stay home with sick children and if I am sick, then my dusting doesn't get done (I did that today, btw). I think sick days are good for people. It helps us realize how important and be thankful for good health. ok, there you have my opinion, which is just that!

I felt great on Friday and Saturday. I had a bit of a hard time eating on Saturday, but other than that, I had energy and except for a nap, wasn't fatigued much. The girls had friends over and they played mostly outside all day. It was such a nice day. Sunday was the Primary Program and I so wanted to go. I stayed in bed all morning except for breakfast (yuck), and finally got up and dressed at noon. I was really, really wanting to go to the Sacrament meeting. I was sitting there and realized that it wasn't a good idea, so they went on ahead without me. It was a good thing. I had diarrhea and felt fatigued the whole time they were gone. That is the way that the next 3 days have gone. I know in the handout they give you when you get a vaccine, it says that one cannot get the flu from the flu shot. It is not a live vaccine. But the side effects are almost as bad. Except for a fever, I think maybe (hope) that it is from the shot that I got some of my icky feelings. (hope, so that means it won't happen next time). I just felt crummy. As I said, it wasn't any of that heavy, useless, energy-less feeling. It was just an all over yuck feeling. And on Tuesday and Wednesday at the exact same time, I had to throw up. It came up all of a sudden and when it was gone, it was gone. I didn't actually throw up, more like dry heaves. (sorry to be so descriptive here, but it is a record of how I feel, so I have to be honest and clear). Anyway, that was weird. I decided today to try taking the anti-nausea pill to see if that will take away the bout with nausea from the past 2 evenings. Also, maybe it will help with the dry mouth. I don't know how the two would go together, but you never know.

Well, the girls just got home from school, so I got sidetracked. Today I am feeling better. Got a couple of chores done. Thinking about food has not made me want to curl up and go to sleep to avoid eating. I actually have not felt too hungry today. I still am having a hard time getting fluids down. When I drink I feel like it doesn't do any good. It's as if I eat a piece of chalk before I put anything into my mouth. Eating or drinking is just going to coat my mouth with more chalky feeling not clear it away. Also, when I don't sleep well - as in wake up every hour so I remember the dream I just finished- I have really weird dreams. Some of them are actually not good. But one I have had with this dry mouth thing is that my mouth is full of some sort of material that I have to pull out bit by bit. Like gum stuck to your teeth. But it is filling my whole mouth and I never get it all out. I am just pulling and pulling at it and it is stuck to all my teeth and everything. Ugh, yuck!

That is not the note I wanted to end on. But I really don't have much else to say. I have had some people do such nice things for me/us. Rachel Smith (neighbor friend) brought dinner over after watching our girls Thursday after school since I wasn't sure if I'd be home. She also dropped off some magazines and flowers yesterday just for a pick me up. The neighbor got mad at Jeff for not telling her that I had had another treatment. My visiting teachers have checked in on me everyday. When people ask what they can do, I just don't know what to tell them. Food doesn't taste/sound good to me. I am just tired, so rest is the only cure for that. Prayers are definitely at the top of the list. I know that those are working on my behalf. I know that without prayers and the wonderful thoughtful people in my life that I would just curl up on the floor and cry myself into misery each and every day of this experience.

Ready for Round 3

Yes, I think this time I am ready. I know what to expect. I am still a little nervous/scared that the side effects will be more like the first time, but hoping they will be like the 2nd time instead. This last week we have had two bouts of stomach flu. Not extreme, both times N just threw up once. A also had some diarrhea. I am not sure if I caught it from them or not. I had some diarrhea, but then that is a side effect of my chemo. I did have one day that I also felt ill, so I guess I picked it up, but got over it quickly.  Jeff has also had a cold and although I have had a few mornings with a sore throat, I haven't caught an actual cold or cough. Another answer to fervent prayers!!!

I spent the last couple days using my new sewing mavhine to make a comforter for N's bed. I finished it right before they got home from school today. That felt good to complete a project. Although I also wanted to clean at least my bathroom. Maybe I'll feel well enough to do that on Friday morning, or make the rest of the family clean on Saturday when I am feeling crummy.....  I think I'll try Friday at least my bathroom so it's done to my standards.

We went out to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight for dinner. Don't try the hamburger-there is a reason they specialize in chicken. I thought the "prime rib steak hamburger" would be good, but it was a pre-made burger with well done slices of beef on it. By the time that is done to well, it isn't prime rib anymore. It may have been prime rib before they heated it through for the burger, but then it tasted like re-heated meat. 😒It was ok,but nothing to go back for.

I still am not used to the shiny bald head. I got used to the stubble quickly, and didn't wear anything on my head around the house, so the family got used to it too. But my head is colder, so I am wearing hats more, so I don't see myself bald in the mirror as much. Oh, well, that too shall come. Stacy is coming with me again tomorrow. And Luci is going to drive me on Friday for my quick booster shot. I am so blessed to have so many willing people offer to help me. Rachel offered dinner and she is taking the girls after school until I get home. What sweet ladies!i also have more updates to put on "it's the little things" post of gifts and sweet things from other thoughtful friends. I hope I don't forget.

Well, I'm running out of room as this is an iPad post, so good night and see you on the flip side.

Bald is Beautiful - or that's what they say

Today it is finally all gone. Yesterday in the shower, I lost a lot of the fuzzies that have graced my head for the last 3 weeks. Today, I got out looking like an old man with hair around my ears and at the crown of my head with little bits scattered around my head. I used the electric razor to take it all off. When I came out to the living room, the girls said I looked like Grandpa. First, I look like Carter, now I look like my dad. Oh, well, I hope to look like myself again in a few months.

I have felt so much better this time than last time. I hope not to jinx myself, but I expect to feel more like this last time and not the tremendous horrid unable to function feeling I had the first time. I do expect it to get harder, but harder than this last time. After the 1st one, I was dreading the following infusions thinking it would get harder from that starting point.

I have come up with the pros of baldness. The cons being obvious - you look like the men in your family. If you are loosing your hair, then you constantly have the stubble itching you as it falls out (now, not a concern). You have to come up with ways to match your head covering to your clothing. Being colder than usual.
But the pros:
No hair to pick off your clothes.
No threat of loosing hair in the food you cook.
No shaving or plucking. (it's not just the hair on your head you loose) - the fact is, chemo attacks fast      growing cells. Hair follicles are fast growing, so it attacks and kills them, thus the hair loss. So, no      shaving, no nicks from razors, no itching when the hair grows back in!
Getting ready in the morning is much faster. Not only do I not have to wash my hair, I also don't have       to dry, prep and style it.
You don't have to explain to others that you have cancer and are going through treatment.
I have an advantage in a cat-fight or attack from somebody - they can't grab my hair!
If I felt so inclined, I would be able to have a different hair style everyday. The place that gives out        wigs and other head coverings to cancer patients has lots of different styles. I could go exchange        every week if I wanted.
Hair doesn't fall in my face when I am looking down at something.
Saving lots of money for not visiting the hair salon and buying hair products.
Complaining of being cold is accepted by others in the family, not met with unbelief.
I am sure I could come up with a really cool Halloween costume. I've been thinking of Charlie Brown      or the grandpa from "Meet the Robinson's" who draws a face on the back of his head and wears          his clothes backwards. But he may not be completely bald? I have to check that out. I need                  suggestions.

This last weekend was General Conference. It was such an uplifting, inspiring experience. I enjoyed being able to watch and listen to all the sessions. Mother and I went out and did some shopping Saturday evening. It was fun to get out and about after my week of staying in and not being able to take myself anywhere. Sunday morning, I was later than most others getting up in the morning. I learned that N had gotten up early and had not felt very well. She got her bowl and promptly threw up! She was told to stay downstairs and away from me all day. I felt so badly, not being able to sit with her and comfort her. It ended up not helping. I am sure that on Wednesday I had some of the same bug she did. I didn't throw up, but had other symptoms that felt different than my chemo symptoms. I had a headache that wouldn't go away most of the day. I just felt blah all day. I didn't get anything done, but just lazed all day and got better. At first I thought I wasn't feeling well because I did too much on Tuesday working in the garden. I clipped all the flowers down and dug some of them up to clean off the dirt from the roots. I did all three garden boxes and put yard stuff away in the shed. It felt so good being outside. I worked slowly, but I am sure I did too much. I was sore, but now I think part of that was soreness from being sick, not just muscle sore.

I felt much better on Thursday. Jeff also picked something up and has been coughing for the last few days. Every night when I am sleeping, I think of all the air I am sharing with him. I hope not to get the cough thing, too. If I do, I don't know if that affects the ability to stick to my chemo schedule. I hope not. Today is a no-school day. There is a rival football game tonight that Jeff wants to take the girls to. I think they will have fun once they get there. Amanda is just thinking it is watching a "boring football game", so she doesn't want to go. What do you do when you know your children will have fun, but they think it will be boring and don't want to go. Do you force them? Then they spend the whole time thinking of being forced to do something rather than having fun doing something different. I know Jeff wants to go and he wants to take them. I would go, so then it would be a family thing and no question as to whether they go or not. But I am not up to sitting in the cold night and being somewhere where I could pick up some kind of bug. We'll see---- I am finally getting the fact that my immune system is not what it should be. I am torn between going places like normal and staying at home just picking up what the family brings here. I know most chemo patients live normally, most even hardly missing work. My doctor told me that I shouldn't have to go around wearing a face mask or anything, unless they find my blood counts to be really low, which so far they have not been. But at the same time, I am happy staying at home and not going out much. I guess I am just a recluse at heart.

This week, I also found out that my sister is having a suspicious lump checked out in her breast. She said "It is right by my sternum". That is exactly where the lump is that caused me to go in for further screening. She has had an ultrasound and the diagnostic mammogram. They are recommending a core biopsy, just like the one I had. I sure hope the reports come back benign. She is highly stressed over this because of all the similarities of what I am going through. She has had, though, a couple other lumps checked out which turned out benign, so the chances are that this is the same thing!

Old Habits Die Hard

When I had lasik surgery 7 1/2 years ago, I thought I was done with glasses. Well, besides having to use reading glasses these days, I am. But the habits going with glasses didn't go away immediately. I still sometimes find myself reaching up to rub my eye, sliding my finger up as if to go under my glasses to do satisfy the itch. Well, today after my shower I went to the counter, reached for the brush and had it inches from my head to brush my hair. Funny thing is, I rarely brushed my hair. Maybe after drying and styling it, but it wasn't the first thing to do after a shower.

This time around has been SOOOOO much better. I need to re-read my post describing that week, but I remember telling Jeff on Saturday (9 days later) at about 2:00 "I feel like I just woke up". Thursday I came home from the infusion and felt a little tired from having just sat there for 5 hours. Stacy was so sweet to come get me and sit with me (in a hard chair) for most of that time. I made her leave when I took a nap. As soon as they hook up the Benedryl, I am out. She brought back some pumpkin steamed milk and some Noosa   We came home and my neighbor Winnie had offered dinner that night. She not only brought some yummy spaghetti, salad and bread, but a friend of hers had sent her a purse filled with goodies that she donates to breast cancer patients. It made it sink in a little more that I am one of "Those People". I slept well, and Friday was able to do normal stuff until about bedtime when I got really tired. I even rode my bike with the girls to school in the morning.

Friday night our dear friends the Olson's came from Snoqualmie, Shar had some P90X training on Saturday in Spokane so the whole family came (minus K who stayed home with crazy puppy-in-training). We made them stay with us, knowing that at my worst I would just hole up on the couch or bed, but the rest of the family would not bother me as I didn't feel sick last time, just energy-less. Saturday I got up with the familiar feeling of dizzy, disconnectedness. I was able to make pancake batter and then go rest, eat a couple pancakes, rest, sit in the living room, go rest, etc. It never really got worse than that. I didn't have the heavy, can't move my arms or get comfortable feeling like last time. I did stay away from everyone and they were mostly gone. Steve and Jeff took all the girls up to Green Bluff and went to some farms. The girls had two teams and filled 2 vases with flowers. I had to decide which team won. They got a box of apples, had doughnuts and had a great time. They spent the rest of the day just playing inside and out. It did get a little loud but I wasn't trying to sleep at all, if I had tried to sleep, they would have left and gone to do something else. Sunday morning, was just a crepe breakfast ala Steve before they left. They made dolce de leche and left the canned milk on the stove on low overnight. We are lucky it had to be in a large pot of water, or I hate to think what would have happened. Sunday, I stayed home from church of course, A did too as she "wasn't feeling well" and puttered around so much, Jeff and N finally left without her. The priest quorum was so nice to send some young men over to prepare and serve me the sacrament. We actually all partook as A was home and the other 2 missed because the were late having waited for her.

Monday and Tuesday I was feeling pretty good. I still had that dizzy feeling, but I was able to focus enough to read a little and even watch some TV. The time went by faster because of that. I did the laundry. I wasn't able to last time. That is not a big energy sucker as I just have to put a load in, change it, then take it out. I folded when I had the energy. The girls bring up their baskets and take their clothes anyway, so that was normal. I just took longer because I rested and did the loads when I felt like getting up. Tuesday I did towels and sheets like normal, same thing. Yesterday I had so much energy that I completely cleaned A's room. She must have picked up a spider or some bug from camp because she kept waking up with bites on her arms and legs. It could just be a spider having come in from outside. She slept in the guest bed for a couple nights while I quarantined her room. I brought up all the soft stuff in increments - from her room, to the dryer for 20 minutes to the guest room. I got it all finished yesterday, vacuumed her bed, floor, base boards and dusted, put everything back and it better be done! It felt so good to do that. Today, I am just a little unable to completely focus, enough that I decided not to drive to the Post Office. But my friend Luci drove me and we stopped at the store on the way home. Not only is it nice not to have lost 5 full days of living, but it was SOOOOO boring to not be able to do anything. I couldn't read, focus on TV, play games anything. I was completely unable to be satisfied with anything. Food didn't make me feel full - of course I couldn't eat much as everything tasted so dry and my mouth was dry anyway. This time, I still have a dryness to my mouth, but I can tolerate it or overlook it and eat. Things don't taste normal and some normally yummy things don't taste good. That is still going on but not to the degree it did last time. Water wasn't as disgusting this time, maybe a little for a couple days and not 5 like then.

What I did differently: (besides pray harder). I remembered the steroid Friday night which I forgot last time (took it Saturday morning), I automatically took Tylenol PM Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I took a sleeping pill on Monday night. I was able to tolerate, so I drank more, water. I also had just started with the L-Glutamine mixed with lemon oil and vitamin D last time. This time, I have been taking it for 4 weeks, so hopefully that has helped. I also started Vitamin E and B-complex about 2 weeks ago. I think the build up of the supplements and the being able to sleep better has been a factor in the way I feel. When I met with Dr. Sri on Thursday morning, she asked was I wasn't looking forward to. I told her the complete fatigue and disconnectedness was what was actually scaring me. I did not want to experience that again. I also learned that I was not actually getting a lower dose of the Perjeta and Herceptin. But that it was just the timing that was shorter. It cut off 90 minutes of the total infusion time and I thought it was because it was a lower dose. They just give it to you slower on the first go around. My blood work looked great. I go in this Monday just for a blood work-up to make sure everything is bouncing back as it should. My face looks better than it has. It is slowly getting better. I am supposed to call her at the first sign of a flare-up. And I also had regular diarrhea last time. Nothing that concerned me as I know that is my body's way of flushing out the bad stuff. I wasn't dehydrated at all, and it wasn't constant. But I am supposed to call her if it is something that goes on for more than a couple days. Nothing to report as of yet.....