What a Difference a Year Makes

I am sitting here with some time on my hands. I have been trying to fill the last couple weeks with projects and errands, knowing that I won't be able to do much after my surgery for a few weeks. I will not be bedridden by any means, but even small gestures with my right side are going to be verboten for at least a couple weeks. I realized this last week that we have been here a year exactly. I am pretty sure the van pulled in on the 23rd and we unloaded and started our life here in Spokane. I did leave part of my heart in Kalispell even though we were there for only a year (well, 51 weeks to be exact), but I am feeling more like this is now home. The year has really flown by, but at the same time it feels like we've been here forever. (in a good way).

Surgery is scheduled on February 1st - a week from today. I have opted for a right side mastectomy with no reconstruction. Dr. Moline did say that this does not completely close the door for reconstruction down the road. I am not thrilled to have something foreign put in my body and so I am going to use bra inserts for my natural look. I am preparing myself to not be able to move my right side for the first couple of weeks. I have been (a little) using my left hand for things like moving the mouse and pulling up my socks. Have you ever tried to pull on socks with only one hand? It's not easy. My mother went and got me a bunch of button up tops. She first sent me a video of some, but they were all size medium. I told her that I was not going for fashion, but for comfort and ease. With my armpit all bandaged up and sore (lymph node removal) I will need to be able to get in and out of tops with ease and the least amount of movement. She then found me some tops in XL and larger. Thank goodness for Value Village and that my mother likes to shop there!

Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful. I am grateful for people who actually follow through on their thoughts and ideas. I come up with great ideas and they come either too late (ie: a great idea for a birthday party game as guest are coming in the door), or I don't follow through with my ideas and thoughts. The biggest thing I am so thankful for are prayers. I know I've said it before, but I can really feel them. I have been carried on angels wings for the last 5 months. My faith in a Loving Heavenly Father and faith and prayers on my behalf have helped me be able to get through the days when I really didn't want to get through those days. They have sustained me to be able to positively head into the next round of chemo, knowing that I will get through it. I am now counting on that same thing to happen with this surgery. I am scared. I am worried. Mostly for the recovery. I really am worried about the possibility of lymphadema. This is where fluid can build up in my arm because of the removal of lymph nodes. I will do all I can under doctor's orders to prevent this. It is just the unknown of all that will be happening with my body healing and recovering that I am worried about. At least the tasting thing will not happen with this next stage of treatment. I will be so happy to never have that happen to me again. A good thing about that is that I don't have a distaste for certain foods that I force-fed myself with during those days that I just had to shove it in so I didn't faint from malnutrition. I think I am pretty much back to being able to eat most anything without any negative effects.

I don't know how the little girls have perceived me through all of this. I really haven't had to seclude myself from them except on 1 day here and there after some of my infusions. I have kept up most of my normal schedule, and been more fatigued than normal. But I know the coming weeks, they will notice a much bigger difference as I just will not physically be able to do a lot of things - and they won't be able to cuddle or give me hugs or things like that. They have been so sweet and helpful when I have needed it, that I am not worried for them. They will have to make their lunches and do their own laundry, which they aren't thrilled about - but they are perfectly capable. I am a bit OCD when it comes to laundry. I actually like to do laundry. I like to know that the clothes are all clean and put away. I have always had one laundry day for the week rather than doing a bit here and there throughout all the week. OH, well, we shall see how this all comes about. Jeff has been even more wonderful than he normally is through out all of this. Of course, he usually does a large percent of grocery shopping and cooking anyway, so we won't starve. But he has been so in tune with what I need and can't do. And then it doesn't bother him if something doesn't get done. Either he'll just go with it or do it himself. I am not worried in the least that there will be things undone or done with complaining (well, maybe a little bit of complaining on the girls' part, but they'll get over it).

The one thing that I am absolutely NOT happy about is the fact that unless he comes in the next 5 days, I will miss the birth of my first grand child. I am so, so sad about this - you don't even know. I am resigned to it, but that doesn't take away the fact that I am sad and that I will miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. I know I will see him later and all that, but this is so irreplaceable. To be there and see a birth and hold a brand-new baby. It just make my heart sad for that. Victoria had been a trooper throughout this not easy pregnancy for her. She is so ready to be over and done with it. She is going to be a great mother and I can't wait to observe that.- They both will be great parents. I am so happy for Victoria and Jesse and look forward to seeing this new little family experience their life.

I've gone on long enough. My hair is growing back in. I have a fuzzy down right now. In fact, yesterday when I took of the scarf I wore to church, the hair was actually flat - it's long enough to be flattened by what I wear on my head. It is not thick enough nor long enough to stop wearing hats, but it is enough that I don't get immediately cold when I take off my hat. It should be another couple months before I can officially be done with head coverings. I did try to wear mascara the other day. I keep saying that I haven't lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. The eyebrows are quite thin and really light (white?), so they are a little hard to see. When I put the mascara on, I noticed that on the upper lid, there are only about 10 lashes on each one, and when I tried to brush it on the bottom lid, there was nothing there - only about 1 or 2 lashes in the outer corner of each eye. I went and got some eye liner instead, so I can look less 'sickly'. I am also noticing that I am tearing more. Maybe that is because there are no lashes to keep in my tears, that my eyes are leaking instead of lubricating themselves.
Now I really have gone on long enough. I am ready for lunch - so I'd better go!